Home > Lankville Action News: YES! > Inventory of Bumpkin Trailer Made Public; Schropp on Cuisine

Inventory of Bumpkin Trailer Made Public; Schropp on Cuisine

November 11, 2014 Leave a comment Go to comments
By Lloyd Byas-Kirk

By Lloyd Byas-Kirk


An inventory of items belonging to the bumpkins who were carried away by the wind two weeks ago, will be made public.

In an exclusive Lankville Daily News teaser: the bumpkins had paperbacks.

In an exclusive Lankville Daily News teaser: the bumpkins had paperbacks.

Detective Gee-Temple handed over the list to The Lankville Daily News this morning.

“As I said before, there’s nothing really of interest, there,” noted Gee-Temple, who paused to examine the brilliant rays of sun cascading through his office blinds. “Towels, forks and spoons, couple of throw rugs, some paperbacks of an inconsequential nature.”

Gee-Temple stretched before the window and exhaled deeply. “The poor lambs,” he whispered.

A full disclosure of the inventory will be forthcoming.


Lenny’s EZ Buffet

So I have seen adverts for some time now about an exciting new buffet that has opened. The miscut multi-colored flyers I found on neighborhood cars said the place was called “Lenny’s EZ Buffet”. The name grabbed me, an easy buffet? Not only an easy buffet but an “EZ buffet” which I suppose is even easier?!!!! How could you make a buffet even easier, I thought. I was instantly intrigued.

Piecing a few of the miscut flyers together, I made out the address using “Lankville Maps” on my mom’s computer and I found it to be right in the heart of downtown. No, not my favorite spot to visit but my folks have been on my case recently about getting out of my “basement apartment” and taking a few chances in life. So off I went on my scooter (recently had my Lankville scooter license renewed). Two blocks later, I was pushed off my scooter (but wearing my helmet-safety first!!) and I had to huff the rest of it on foot.

Downtown can be a very gritty maze, one way-two way streets leading to complicated roundabouts. As with most non-downtown folk I found myself lost.The people standing around on the corner or by the mostly abandoned buildings would not answer my pleas for directions and would instead begin searching my pockets for change. As luck would have it, however, my new found friend “Trucker Joe” was making a delivery to a nearby department store and was able to give me a ride and help me find the address. Coming face to face with the address, I realized the buffet was on the top floor, it was a long way up and there was no elevator. “This isn’t EZ at all” I muttered to myself as I started to climb.

After the steep ascent (taking a couple breaks along the way) I made it to the top floor, found the appropriate door number and knocked. After a few more hard knocks someone finally barked out, “Yeah?” I informed him I was here for the buffet. “It’s $16.95” he replied holding out his hand. I took out the twenty dollar bill my folks gave me from my sock and he quickly snatched it from my hand and put it in his pocket. I paused waiting for my change. “Are you comin’ in or not?” “Uhm, my change?” “Don’t have it, sorry. Either you are comin’ in or not but you are not getting your money back”. So I walked in and he closed the door behind me. “Are you a cop?” He asked. “No,no why would I be?” “You’re shaking too much, put your hands on the wall, I’m going to pat you down” After a pat down where he took the rest of my change the other downtown people didn’t get I was allowed to enter further.

This isn’t EZ at all” I muttered to myself…

The place didn’t look much like a buffet or even a restaurant at all, in fact, it just looked like a plain old apartment (and a poorly furnished one at that). I asked if this was some cutting edge decor for people like me (from the burbs) to have an “urban experience”‘ “Uh, yeah, you got it. Now just stand over there. The buffet will be ready in a moment.” I went by the small table which was in the dinning room area of the apartment. The only lighting was from a fixture above the table which was half out. I thought this added to the experience. Lenny (I am thinking it was him but he would never answer if that was indeed his name) walked into the dark kitchen. After hearing the fridge open and close and the banging of a few cabinet doors, he came out with four paper plates of food and put them on the table.

Paper plate 1- Some type of lunch meat (might of been ham?) and a slice of bread
Paper plate 2- A half eaten meatloaf dinner
Paper Plate 3- Some yellowed lettuce with potato chips (not sure what kind) and a grape on top
Paper Plate 4- Not sure, maybe a chili of some sort or maybe something that had gone bad

He saw the confusion in my eyes. “Got a problem with this?” “Is there any hot food?” “Sorry, this is the cold food lunch buffet. We have a hot food dinner buffet and it’s twenty four dollars” “Do I get a drink?” He rolled his eyes and went back into the kitchen.

At this point a woman came out of the back hallway from a bedroom. She was wearing only a dirty nightshirt and looked like a complete mess. She started to mumble something about a monkey. Lenny came back from the kitchen in a complete rage yelling at her to never come out while a customer was eating. He suddenly looked over at me, “I think it’s time for you to leave.” “But I haven’t sampled anything yet.” With that, his violent rage turned upon me and I quickly made my way from the EZ buffet and back out down into the street.

Reflecting back on the experience in my bedroom apartment I am not sure if this establishment was legitimate or if it really was a true downtown urban buffet experience. Maybe one day if I strike up the courage I will go back and try the hot dinner buffet. Speaking of courage– courage is what it would take for The Lankville Daily News to dedicate an entire column to cuisine and not just pair it with these god damn bumpkin articles, right? Am I right? But, we won’t go into that for now. Well, until next time, keep your mind and your mouth open to new things.

Happy eating!

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