Home > Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr. > Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.

Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.

Dick Oakes, Jr.

Dick Oakes, Jr.

It was a windowless, ill-lit room. I sat there for awhile. You could hear the rain on the roof.

After awhile, a big guy came in. He huffed it to the other side of the table and sat staring at me.

“This idn’t any of my business,” he said. “I’m just here to make sure you get some papers. We got charts, you know. Pie, flow, horizontal stacked bar, scatter, triangle. You name it, we got it.”  He tapped a folder and then stared at his hands.

“Nobody’s going to god damn catch me unawares,” he whispered.

I couldn’t figure on any of it.

A woman came in. She was a big girl, selling it pretty well up front but the back was shot to hell. When she sat down opposite me, her chair squeaked resentfully.

She talked me through it and I nodded along idiotically. I could barely pay attention. Buck up Oakes I kept saying to myself. You wanna’ be a charity case all your life? It didn’t matter none though.

When it was all over, she said, “I’ll give you a tour.”

We stood up.

“What about the papers? I got my charts to do,” the big guy said.


I followed the woman out. The big guy had taken a chair and slammed it down on the table. You could hear pieces of it flying all over the place. Nobody seemed to give a damn though.50

We came to a big open office with no windows. Boxes of garbage crammed into the corners. The floor was covered in scratched and streaked tiles. Bunch of grey-skinned middle-aged women wearing men’s clothing sitting in cubicles. There was something chilling about it. I couldn’t piece it together none.

We approached a closet with a battered steel door.

“And this is our kitchen,” my tour guide noted. “The microwave doesn’t work. We put in for one months ago but…” She trailed off.

She saw me staring at the blood that faintly stained one wall.

“Yes, someone killed themselves in here. We should…probably paint…”  She trailed off again.

Two days later I was entering senseless data into a computer.

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