Home > Opinions > Yes, I Urinated on a Rack of Candy

Yes, I Urinated on a Rack of Candy

By Chief Hogsett

By Chief Hogsett

A LANKVILLE DAILY NEWS SERIES ON CRIME AND CRIMINALS

Two months ago, I got picked up at a pharmacy. I was just trying to buy one of those cheap little styrofoam ice chests. We were going to put some beer in there and go into the woods. We were looking for something to keep the beer cool but also something that was sturdy and fairly-durable. We weren’t looking for no hinged lid or grip handles– matter of fact, we were going to just leave the thing in the woods, maybe float it down the river. I know, personally, whenever I see one of them things floating down the river, I go after it. It’d give somebody something to do.

So, there’s this island clerk behind the counter and he don’t speak no Lankville or barely. He keeps pointing at the credit card swiper and I keep telling him that I want to pay cash but he’s so damn dumb he can’t understand me. Now, I’d already had a few but I wasn’t really that loaded. And he mumbles something and points to the button and I say, “CASH, YOU EVER SEEN A LANKVILLE DOLLAR BEFORE?” But this guy don’t want to take any cash from me– he wants me to pay with a credit card. It’s unbelievable these foreigners.

So, then I pick up this cat magazine that he’s got on the counter and throw it across the store. And he starts saying, “POLICE! POLICE!” and then I say, “NOW YOU’RE SPEAKING LANKVILLE, IMMIGRANT!”

And that’s when I started urinating all over his candy rack.

Yeah, I soaked it pretty good. All the gum, the candy bars, the funny stickers. I had a lot in there too boy– I was like a race horse. I even hit a couple more copies of that cat magazine on the counter.

That’s when Gee-Temple walked in.

“Chief, I see we’re going to have to take you in again,” he said. He looked at the piss dripping slowly down the racks. “That’s going to be the fourth time this month.”

And you don’t have a shirt on, of course,” he said to himself. Which was true– I didn’t. Three of the last four times I’ve been bagged, I haven’t had no shirt on.

So now, they’re making me write this article on criminals in Lankville. It’s part of my “service duty”.

“They’ll have to make you a regular contributor,” Gee-Temple said, when I handed him my article. He just started shaking his head. “And you still don’t have a shirt on, for Christ’s sake. Somebody get him a shirt.”

They got me one. It has a cat on it which is kind of funny, in a way.

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