Home > Cuisine by Brian Schropp > Blood on the Crown

Blood on the Crown

Brian Schropp on Cuisine

Brian Schropp on Cuisine

I couldn’t believe my luck, me of all people the winner of two FREE passes to ‘Sir Frank’s Medieval Hot Dog Theme Park’!! Since the place opened last year it’s become the hottest attraction around Deep Northern Suburban Lankville. Oh, the tales I have heard coming out of those castle walls! Combining elements of modern renaissance fantasy with delicious innovative hot dog inspired dishes, no wonder it’s a big hit!!

Since I won the passes from work (listening to ‘Kooky’102.9 Lankville’s Home of Good Time Oldies) and using the ‘Pizza-A-Round’s’ telephones (only hung up on a few customers) my manager, Scott said I had to take him.

Now Scott wouldn’t of been my first choice to take. Don’t get me wrong– he’s a OK guy just not what I would call a ‘culinary expert’ per say. He’s more of a ‘puking up nachos in the back of a loose woman’s car at 2AM’ sorta food guy. But here we were beyond the castle walls and dare I say the whole place was wonderful and enchanting!! To be honest I was a little worried about being with Scott at first. He had decided to dress in traditional Deep Eastern Suburban Lankville clothing. “It’s my roots Bri, if some northerner has a problem with it then we can have ‘words’.” Luckily he was already a little drunk and just the charm of the place swept him up and put him in a good humor.

​'Sir Frank's Medieval Hot Dog Theme Park'

​’Sir Frank’s Medieval Hot Dog Theme Park’

I instantly got a ‘Sir Duke’s Weenie’ with extra relish and a “Pointed Frank” stuffed with creamy cheese filling. The tales were so true– these dogs did not disappoint!! Where did they get such top of the line franks from? I also got Scott a few things to keep him happy (my folks made sure I had plenty of cash on me). He particularly enjoyed the ‘Bishop’s Dogetty Wiener’ which was two franks stuffed into one bun.

We walked around the various tents and cardboard facades which were made to look like medieval shops in wonderment. How much medieval hot dog related merchandise could there possibly be? The answer-A LOT!!
I wanted to buy Scott a ‘I’m Goofing Around With A Wiener’ t-shirt but they were out of stock on his size.
“Gotta be a Triple-XL, Bri, I gotta’ have room to move,” he noted.

​'Sir Frank's Medieval Hot Dog Theme Park'

​’Sir Frank’s Medieval Hot Dog Theme Park’

The only dark spot at this point was seeing Hank Cameron, manager of Foodville there with his ‘family’. I haven’t seen my arch nemesis in quite awhile and in fact I still had to legally be so many feet away from him. It was pretty crowded so I figured if I just kept my distance things would be fine.
Scott and I stopped to watch a wonderful group of renaissance singers sing songs about hot dogs. They had drawn quite a crowd with kids dressed in foam knight outfits running about waving foam hot dogs which looked like swords. Such a magical experience to watch unfold.

At this point Scott saw rather two well-endowed bar maids heading over to the more adult drinking area of the theme park. “Well Bri, I’ll catch up with you in a little bit.” So I was left alone to my adventure along the cobble stone streets. It was a little while later (after stopping at the Dog Eat Dog Cafe for lunch) that some goofy guy in a hot dog costume (who seemed to be in a hurry) stopped me.

“Hey you’re Brian that cuisine writer for the paper, right?”

After saying I was he grabbed my wrist and started to drag me along with him. “You’re just in time-there is about to be a huge food unveiling at the main castle!! Some say it’s going to be the grandest medieval hot dog revel of all time. The King and the Queen will even be there!!”

​Delightful renaissance singers singing ballads about hot dogs

​Delightful renaissance singers singing ballads about hot dogs

Having no real time to process what was going on I went with the flow. The ‘main castle’ is usually heavily guarded by the ‘King’s Guard’ (fat guys in yellow t-shirts that say security on the back) but with this goofy guy in the hot dog suit we got in pretty easy.

He led me up and down many steps and then through a courtyard that eventually led back into the castle and we were soon in a glorious ballroom. There were many women and men dressed in their royal finest. The goof introduced me to a few “lads and lasses” as he called them and many knew who I was- I felt like a mini celebrity almost!! Everyone was in a big flutter over this unveiling and were glad I was here to cover it for the paper. Someone even put a jester’s hat on me with little hot dogs dangling off them. It was a big laugh!!

​The goofy guy in the hot dog outfit

​The goofy guy in the hot dog outfit

Soon the grand entrance was upon us, a bunch of guys dressed in appropriate courtyard attire came racing in lining up to blow their horns. The goof in the hot dog suit said loudly “Here comes the King!!” Everyone applauded as ‘The King’ (the owner) and ‘The Queen’ ( I heard it’s usually some woman who he is currently cheating on his wife with) came in waving. The King got up on a podium to speak. He proceeded to make a small speech on how excited he was to see all the donors to the park present and then began talking up the newest food item that would be on their menu. The King proclaimed it would put ‘Sir Frank’s’ on the map for all of Lankville, this was a top secret project known only to his master chef and a few select others. He then swept his arms, “Ladies and Gentlemen I give you—THE CROWN OF FRANKFURTERS!!!!”

The horns started up again and the master chef rolled in a huge table with ‘The Crown Of Frankfurters’ at the center. Everyone of the court (myself included) were just in awe. Our mouths were open but unable to speak. I now knew what it must have felt like at the first board room meeting when they invented ‘Lankville O’s’. The whole ‘crown’ seemed to have an unearthly glow around it almost like if you took a bite the taste would send you straight to eternal happiness.

​"I give you--THE CROWN OF FRANKFURTERS!!!"

​”I give you–THE CROWN OF FRANKFURTERS!!!”

Out came the ladies who were singing earlier to perform again. It seemed like the joy of the event would not end. Sadly things were about to take a dark turn-the lights went out followed by a blood curdling scream and then mass chaos. I felt myself being bumped into by fleeing royalty in the dark, someone may have took a small wiener or two off my jester’s hat. When the lights were finally turned back on the King’s master chef lay dead on the floor with a knife in his back and ‘The Crown Of Frankfurters’ was gone!! How could this have happened? Who would do such a thing? Next week I will give you the chilling details. Until then keep your mind and mouth open to new ideas, Happy Eating- Bri!!

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