Home > Opinions > OPINION: I’m Tony Pepperony and Yes I Fill Holes With Your Money

OPINION: I’m Tony Pepperony and Yes I Fill Holes With Your Money


Mr. and Mrs. Tony Pepperony


This is a response to a recent prominent so-called “person-of-letters” who’s been leaving placards around Southern Left Lankville saying that “I’m just looking for someplace to put my hole in.”

Let’s get some things straight. Sure, I’m a businessman and I’m always looking for holes in the ground to dump my money in, especially when President Pondischerry [sic] is throwing the Casa Montecristo vouchers my way, but my enemies are always trying to smear me. People are always trying to get in my way of progress and it makes me sick enough to dig another hole in Southern Left Lankville and put some TP big bucks into it, but I won’t be deterred, and I won’t back down.

Lankville deserves better than these obstructionistas, mired in the status quo of dysfunction for so long and happy to watch our quality of life deteriorate, echelon by echelon. They don’t know down from up, or up from down back up again three ways from Tuesday.

About the Casa Montecristo vouchers, listen, the Casa Montecristo is as elegant of a reception hall as any in Lankville. When you order a tray of fetteroni, you know they’re gonna crisp it just right and they do it every time, because I’m Tony Pepperony, and they take care of the big guy.

The Montecristo had a problem a few years back, a hole opened up in the lot next door. It used to be drug store until the earth swallowed it. I filled that hole with sack after sack of money and steady supply of vouchers from Pondycherry [sic] redeemable next door at the Casa, and next thing you know the hole is filled and me and my groups filled to the belly with perfectly browned and crisp fetteroni. Also, their chaffing dishes keep the fetteroni and medallions at the perfect fiery temperature. It’s top notch.

Yes, the vouchers were paid for by Lankville community funds, but would you rather see a whole in the ground directly next to an elegant reception hall? I THINK NOT.

It’s called business, you morons! It’s called progress, you mental cases!

Let me tell you Ms. Person of Letters, you’re part of the problem and you need to get out of our way, because Lankville is coming for you. Because who dah fuck are you, Tony Pepperony? I THINK NOT.

On another note, look at that picture of my wife. Ain’t she a peach?

The opinions of Tony Pepperony are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.

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