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CREAM- The New Miracle Cure for Impotence!

September 3, 2015 Leave a comment Go to comments
Dr. Yothers

By Dr. Yothers

At least 98% of Lankville males and at least 97% percent of Lankville females suffer from impotence or frigidity during what should be the best years of their lives. Today, doctors know that in about 9.5 out of 10 cases, the trouble is not due to illness, aging, or droop but rather to psychological barriers. And CREAM is proving amazingly effective in clearing out these roadblocks on the delightful highway to love!

Young Mr. X (fake name) was a total loss as far as the ladies were concerned. He was what you might call a Sad Sack of the Sack (I often called him that) or a “Floppy Fred” or a “Limp Larry”. The funny names are inexhaustible, the point is that Young Mr. X was constantly flaccid.

Mr. X was in love with his high school sweetheart and, indeed, he would have married her but for one impediment. Embarrassed by his tuneless flesh flute, and fearing the worst on his wedding night, he abandoned all thoughts of nuptials, gave up on his belle, and ended up perishing in a tragic challenge explosion outside a distant forlorn strip mall.

If only Mr. X had known about CREAM. Instead of dying (he was also apparently shot at while exploding), Mr. X would now be churning the marriage bed in what can only be described as a jubilant carnival of zesty lust.


The miracle of CREAM didn’t just “happen”– miracles never do. They are made.

I specialize in the repair of sexual insufficiencies. My tool is a secret CREAM, a wonder cream that came to me in a strange, hypnotic waking dream. Here’s how it happened.

I was having dinner, alone, at the Giant Tart Cafeteria. I had ordered an open-face turkey sandwich and when my plate arrived, I noticed that the sandwich was sans gravy. Needless to say, I was flummoxed. Of course, an open-face turkey sandwich is not complete without gravy. Everyone knows that– just what sort of shenanigans were these folks trying to pull?

My CREAM. Comes in tubes or mason jars with little gingham fabric tops.

My CREAM. Comes in tubes or mason jars with little gingham fabric tops.

It took forever to get the attention of the waiter. I began to grow angry, then outraged. Then, my outrage turned into a ferociousness and savagery that could not be contained. I cannot go back there, to that night, to the Giant Tart cafeteria (I have worked through that) but needless to say, it was a horrific and monstrous night.

But out of the horror came CREAM. In my cell that night, I drew up the recipe. I obtained various chemicals (calciums, mineral oil bases, alpha hydroxies, rare muds from the Peninsulas, pony parts and mixed them into the miracle concoction that you see before you today (see photo).

I found an impotent man- let’s call him Mr. Y (fake name). He was wandering about aimlessly in the Barren Lankville Wastelands, bereft and enfeebled. I subjected him to a heavy, regular slathering of the CREAM. Days passed in silence. Mr. Y would wake up from his cot, I would tackle him and bombard him with CREAM. When will it end? When will it happen? he would cry. “IT WILL, SHUT UP,” I would scream. And we would go back and forth, flailing about the room as I battered him with huge handfuls of the CREAM. IT WILL WORK, GOD DAMN YOU I would yell. It was a crazy time.

And then, one morning, Mr. Y was no longer impotent. It was immediately apparent through the thin, dimestore bedsheets. We celebrated with a breakfast of flattened, thin, wheat cakes and bowls of junket. I AM READY, DR. YOTHERS he said, his boyish grin returning. I AM READY TO TAKE A PLEASURABLE RIDE ON THE MAGIC CARPET OF INTERCOURSE. I laughed– tears running down my face. I KNOW YOU ARE, MY BOY. I KNOW YOU ARE.

Mr. Y is now happily married with 10 children.

My CREAM– a Lankville miracle.

The opinions of Dr. Yothers are absolutely not the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.

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