Home > Lankville Action News: YES! > Where Have All the Pumpkins Gone? Lankville Facing Severe Pumpkin Shortage

Where Have All the Pumpkins Gone? Lankville Facing Severe Pumpkin Shortage

October 12, 2015 Leave a comment Go to comments
Bernie Keebler

Bernie Keebler

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

Pumpkin crops are down 95% this year, credible pumpkin sources are reporting.

“The big cardboard pumpkin box at the pumpkin place was real low,” noted local pumpkin buyer Wayne Gross. “And then, there was really just one thin layer of pumpkins and then below that were these monstrous oblong gourds.”

Gross claimed he had to punch several people in the face, including women, and challenge another man in order to come away with a pumpkin.

“It was rough. It was war out there.”

Barlow Foods, owner of an estimated 95% of the canned pumpkin market in Lankville, believes it has enough canned pumpkin to make it through Thanksgiving, but the short harvest means it will be tight.

pumpkins

Gone are the pumpkins.

The bulk of Lankville’s pumpkin supply comes from the Sugary Plains, which suffered heavy rains, dump fires and rabbit gnawing throughout the summer.

“We’re very, very disappointed in the pumpkin farmers of the Lankville Sugary Plains,” noted CEO John Barlow. “We won’t have much reserve stock if any at all. We’re looking into alternative ideas for holiday pies.”

Presidential candidate and gourd expert Dr. David Hadbawnik has already stepped forward with several solutions involving gourds.

“People shouldn’t dismiss the gourd as a decorative fall item. It has always played second fiddle to the pumpkin, just because the pumpkin is big and round but the gourd can step in easily and fill the shoes of the pumpkin. Pumpkins don’t have shoes obviously but…you know what I mean.”

Hadbawnik became confused and had to look at several photos of pumpkins online before he became confident of his assertion.

Meanwhile, Lankvillians are encouraged to peacefully resolve their pumpkin problems.

“Pumpkin lots will be putting out signs notifying the public if they no longer have any pumpkins,” said Detective Gee-Temple, who was called to over 30 pumpkin lot incidents yesterday. “We ask that the public please respect these signs and move on to procuring other decorations for their porches.”

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