Home > Funny Stories by Dick Oakes > Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.

Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.

November 14, 2015 Leave a comment Go to comments
Dick Oakes, Jr.

Dick Oakes, Jr.

It was a windowless, brown-paneled office lit with glaring fluorescents. The battered steel desk was piled high with papers. The brick shitbox of an owner had leaned back in his chair and eyed me over.

“What’s it say on that sign out there?” he asked. He lit a stub of a cigar.

I thought about it for a minute. I hadn’t even noticed.

“Says your name, don’t it?” I ventured.

“Yeah, it sure does. But what’s it say below my name?” He brought an ashtray up from somewhere.

“Says CARPETS don’t it?”

“THAT’S RIGHT!” he exclaimed. He was damned excited about it. Who knew what the hell to make of the whole jackpot.

“What’s a carpet?” he asked, reflectively.

Oh Jesus, we really gonna’ do this? I fingered the little badge on my unpressed white button-up. It said “MS. OAKES”. I watched the myopic geriatric in the green visor make it up but didn’t correct it none. I didn’t figure on it mattering much.

He picked up the slack. “A carpet can be indoors. But a carpet can also be outdoors.” He let that sink in. It didn’t get that deep.

“Now, tell me, what did you walk on ‘fore you opened the door to my place?”

I racked my brain. I could feel the sweat on the back of my neck. What the hell is this gonna’ be worth to you, Oakes? What the hell.

“Was there some kinda’ fake grass, like astroturf or something?”

“THAT’S RIGHT!” He got up out of his seat and the chair skirted off into some corner. “That’s right, astroturf. You know, I gotta’ special ordnance to put that out there, over the city sidewalk? Now, did you know that?”

I admitted that I didn’t.

“Now, how many sidewalks have you seen that are carpeted? Huh, fellow? How many?”

“None, sir.”

“YOU’RE GOD DAMN RIGHT, none. Now, get out on that floor and sell the ass out of those carpets.”

I opened the door and looked out at the showroom. There were five or six customers– two of them seemed to be arguing over something while a woman stood by helplessly. One of the other salesmen went over and broke it up. I couldn’t figure on any of it.

I lasted a day.

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