Home > Opinions > OPINION: I’ve Been Kicked in the Face Before, I’ll Be Kicked in the Face Again

OPINION: I’ve Been Kicked in the Face Before, I’ll Be Kicked in the Face Again

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Yeah, this here’s a message for that little retard down at Climax Auto Parts on Route 71. Guess what, asshole? I’ve been kicked in the face before and I’ll sure as shit be kicked in the face again.

Let me tell you what went down. So, I’m just in there to pick up a couple of new cabin air filters for my ’09 Neptune Steed– let me tell you something right now–the interior of a Dick La Hoyt truck is so clean you could god damn eat off it. Anyway, I’m just minding my own business, checking out a sale they got going on hot shine tire spray, when all the sudden this little piece of fucking shit just reaches in front of me and grabs the EXACT spray bottle that I was eyeing up. I couldn’t believe my god damn eyes.

So, I’m like, “hey buddy, that there bottle is SPOKEN FOR.” He looks at me a second and then he’s like, “alright, I’ll grab another one.” And the sonuvabitch puts back my spray bottle and grabs the one next to it.

I just about lost it. “HEY MAN, HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL THESE BOTTLES AIN’T SPOKEN FOR? What in the hell gives you THE RIGHT?”

“Listen,” he says. “There’s plenty of tire spray for everyone.”

THAT DID IT.

“WE’RE TAKING THIS SHIT OUTSIDE,” I said. “DICK LA HOYT’S GONNA’ TEACH YOUR STUPID ASS A LESSON.”

“Listen- I’m not a fighter, man,” he says. “Why don’t we just pay for our stuff and go our separate ways?”

“LISTEN HERE, CHICKENSHIT,” I said. “IT EITHER GOES DOWN OUTSIDE OR IT GOES DOWN RIGHT HERE IN THE EXTERIOR CARE PRODUCTS AISLE.”

And then the next thing I know, the guy floors me with a roundhouse kick to the face.

When I woke up, I was on a stool and Bert, my buddy that runs the register, handed me a cup of water.

“WHERE’S THAT HORSE’S ASS?” I said.

“He’s gone. Dick, that guy had some moves. That kick came out of nowhere. You were out before you hit the floor.”

Maybe. But I just want that god damn half-pint to know it and know it good. Dick La Hoyt has been kicked in the face before and as sure as the sun is gonna’ set, he’ll be kicked in the face again.

The opinions of Dick La Hoyt are not necessarily the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.

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