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Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.

October 12, 2016 Leave a comment Go to comments
By Dick Oakes, Jr.

By Dick Oakes, Jr.

It was somewhere, a long time ago– some stray memory of a goofy-looking guy hovering over me. He had what was it? some kind of a filthy white apron on, stained with tomato sauce.

Mr….Mr….you can’t sleep here….you’ll….the boss….he has guns!”

Then there was the piercing ring of the telephone on the side table. I was sweating through the imitation wool blanket. Everything was in darkness.

I managed the light somehow and lit a cigarette. The phone was still ringing. Must have been 15 or 20 rings. I thought about that and then picked it up.

It was Tibbs. He was whispering.

“Mr. Oakes…Mr. Oakes…they’ve come for you, Mr. Oakes…”

“Who, Tibbs? What are you talking about?”

There was a long pause. “Mr. Oakes, they are examining your vehicle in the parking lot. They are taking prints just as they always do…it won’t be long now.”

There was a chill that went up my back.


Tibbs interrupted me.

“Mr. Oakes (he took a deep breath), Mr. Oakes, I am ready for the final standoff. I knew it was coming, Mr. Oakes. If you please, I’m happy to take two or three of these men out. I know that I can get into the pantry, slide open the casement and blow all of their heads off.  Have you ever hit a pumpkin with speedball shot at 10 feet, Mr. Oakes?  It will be like that– it would give me great pleasure…”

“Just hold off there, Oakes. Maybe I can get out before…”

“I would then turn the gun on myself, of course. But I’m willing to do that for you, Mr. Oakes. You have been such a loyal guest of the Murray.”

He began tittering lowly, strangely.mvbutte2

“Please…(I was panicking)…please don’t Tibbs….” I quietly hung up and began dressing in the corner shadows.

I ditched the elevator and tried the main staircase. It was deserted. I could hear Mrs. Stocksdale coughing and retching in a nearby room followed by a strange muffled squeal. There weren’t no merit to any of it.

I reached the lobby. The desk was dark and nobody was around. I stood for a moment looking towards the rear hallway that led to the parking lot. I could see something moving out there through the glass of the door.

I couldn’t move. Tibbs, you motherfucker. Don’t do nothing stupid…please Christ, don’t do nothing stupid. 

I saw it out of the corner of my eye. More movement– maybe a voice, two voices. And then it happened.

I was out the door before the last shot woke everybody in the place.


Must have run a couple miles. I used the back streets and the alleys. Town was dark and dead. And then, a couple of strange fast-moving black sedans. No sirens, no lights but they moved with purpose. There could be no question about where they were going.


I made it to the desert area and couldn’t see my own hand in front of me. I looked back at the town. There was nothing to do.

I walked another mile and my eyes starting adjusting. There was a butte and I headed towards it. There was something familiar about it but I couldn’t place it none.

God damn it, Tibbs. 

It was all you could say really.

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