Home > Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr. > Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.

Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.

By Dick Oakes, Jr.

Mother had me and Donnie from up the street bring the gun cabinet in through the front door but we couldn’t get it no further on account of the low archway that led to the kitchen. The intent was to get it to the back bedroom.

That’s when Donnie said, “Mrs. Oates, I gotta’ go home. Well, there’s chicken, you see…”

Mother understood completely.

When Donnie left, she said, “well, guess it’s just gonna’ have to sit in the corner.”

“Maybe he won’t notice it.”

Mother looked at me for a long while and then she put on a program. It was something about some guys that was stranded in a boat and they were confessing to different things on account of how they were about to run out of food.

“I killed some prostitutes,” one guy said.

“WELL! This is NOT appropriate for an eight-year old,” Mother said and she went to the kitchen and began writing a letter.

I woke up shortly after that. There was some distant lightning over the mesa and I figured on it being about five in the morning. I had slept in a lean-to that I had fashioned out of a pair of XXL shorts and some sticks. There was the howl of a coyote from somewhere.

From behind me, I could hear a strange rustling. It was something white and big in the sagebrush. Who knew what the hell to make of it.

mr. oates mr. oates mr. oates

“Who’s there?”

The sagebrush moved a little. A flash of lightning came again. It was closer.

The sagebrush was suddenly flattened and when I looked up, there was Tibbs. The customary white suit was slathered in blood.

“MR. OAKES…WHAT AN UNPARALLELED DELIGHT!”

quiet…fer chrissakes tibbs…what in the hell…?

“OH, YES, INDEED MR. OAKES, I HAVE MADE IT AWAY FROM THAT ABOMINABLE ALBATROSS THAT YOU KNOW AS THE MURRAY. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.”

listen tibbs…fer chrissakes…I gotta’ ask you to keep quiet…don’t you know…

“THAT YOU’RE ON THE RUN? OF COURSE, OF COURSE, MR. OAKES. I AM AS WELL. YOU KNOW, I MURDERED ALL OF THOSE AGENTS! WHY, THEIR HEADS LOOKED LIKE BURNED CANDLE ENDS ONCE I COMPLETED MY UNDERTAKING!  WHAT A DELIGHT!”

tibbs jesus h. christ you gotta’

“WHY, MR. OAKES, DO YOU KNOW THAT I HAVE TWO CANS OF SOUP?  WHY, THEY WERE INTENDED AS THE LUNCH FOR THE COUNTER MAN AT THE DESERT DRUG STORE. BUT I HAD OTHER IDEAS…HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.”

please tell me that you didn’t

He ignored the question.

“PERHAPS WE COULD COOK THESE CANS OF SOUP, MR. OAKES.  WHY, YOU MUST BE DECIDEDLY FAMISHED!”

He produced a cook stove from his rucksack.

where did you get all this stuff, tibbs?

“WHY, AT THE SURPLUS DISCOUNT CAMPING STORE OF COURSE!  SURELY, YOU MUST HAVE NOTICED IT, MR. OATES. WHY, IT WAS DIRECTLY OPPOSITE THE MURRAY. ALTHOUGH THE PHYSICAL, MATERIAL LOCATION STILL EXISTS THE STORE ITSELF, I BELIEVE, WILL NOT BE OPENING AGAIN, MR. OATES. OH NO, IT WILL MOST ASSUREDLY NOT BE OPENING AGAIN.”

He began laughing in his weird maniacal way.

 

Tibbs handed me the bowl of soup and he positioned himself against a rock. He ate voraciously and then produced a cigarette. Dawn was approaching.

“YOU KNOW, MR. OAKES, THERE IS A CERTAIN FREEDOM IN THIS LIFE. WHY, I FEEL POSITIVELY ENLIGHTENED. I FEEL AS THOUGH I NO LONGER HAVE A PHYSICAL PRESENCE BUT HAVE NOW REACHED THE CENTER WHERE I WILL MEET THE STERN PHALANX OF MAGICIANS WHO WILL CARRY ME FORTH INTO INSTANTANEOUS AND COMPLETE ANNIHILATION.”

are you familiar with the thune hexagram, mr. oakes?

“Listen, Tibbs. you gotta’ get out of here…I…”

 

There was a distant shotgun blast. Tibbs smiled.

“OH, MEN. THESE MEN. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.”

He reached into the rucksack and produced a large case. He opened it to reveal an enormous machine gun.

“MEN, MEN, MEN.  WHAT SILLY CREATURES, WOULDN’T YOU AGREE, MR. OAKES?”

He began assembling the gun.

tibbs, you gotta’…you gotta’ be quiet…

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. WHY, MR. OATES, WHATEVER DO YOU MEAN?  DON’T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT THE TIME HAS COME FOR THESE MEN, THESE CREATURES, TO MEET SATAN’S PONY?”

That’s when I passed out. I don’t recall much after that.

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