Home > The Tibbs Reader > The Tibbs Reader: Incident at Lake Rancho Berries

The Tibbs Reader: Incident at Lake Rancho Berries

Ferguson Bunts?

Bunts sat in his darkened study loading a Prince of Lankville AR-15. He attached the laser sight and versa pod.

IF YOU ARE LOOKING FOR THE ULTIMATE IN ACCURACY OUT OF AN AR-15 RIFLE, LOOK NO FURTHER! he boomed. He then laughed senselessly for a full minute until tears began to run down his bearded cheeks.

He placed the weapon into a duffel bag, walked outside into blinding sunlight, and tumbled into the white sports car, parked at an odd angle in the driveway.

He drove at a leisurely pace down Route 55 and turned onto Rural Route 9 away from Almond Beach towards Lake Rancho Berries. The surrounding countryside and rolling hills soon became visible.

LAKE RANCHO BERRIES IS THE PERRRRRFECT DESTINATION TO RELAX FOR A WEEKEND. He was nearly screaming now. WHETHER YOU’RE LOOKING TO ENJOY THE LAKE IN AN RV OR A TENT… He suddenly nodded off and nearly drove the car off the road. He pulled to the side, listening to the crunch of gravel beneath. He dozed for a full half hour.

When he woke, he was briefly unaware of where he was. OF COURSE, MRS. STOCKSDALE, OF COURSE DEAR– AS YOU KNOW, I AM QUITE SKILLED AT THAT MOST DELIGHTFUL ACT OF STIMULATION, he blurted out, his mouth dry and his voice hoarse.

There was a bottle of Old Lankville on the floor. It was warm from the sun but he took a long swig anyway until the bottle was nearly empty. He tossed it into the trees along the road.

He pulled away, passing the pumping station on the left. A worker, standing by the gate, took notice.

WELL, I SHALL HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT HIM, Bunts declared to no one.

He made a U-turn and pulled into the lot at an odd angle. The man began fiddling with the padlock on the gate. Bunts stared hard at him through the sun-spattered windshield. Then, he rolled down the window.

I wonder, did you take notice of the man in the white sports car? he asked in a low, menacing voice.

The man tugged at his cap.

Did you take note of his unusual appearance perhaps? The beard, the white three-piece suit? These are the sort of things an observant man might perceive. But he would be wise to forget. To forget.

THE COW KNOWS NO BOREDOM OR PAIN, he suddenly boomed. SHE CANNOT REMEMBER!

“She also gets slaughtered after a time,” the man noted.

EXACTLY! Bunts responded. I COULD TELL RIGHT AWAY THAT YOU WERE A MAN OF SENSE!

Bunts backed the car onto the highway and began laughing hysterically.

 

He scanned the parking lot overlooking the lake. A luxury car, spotlessly clean, sat idle and empty.

WHAT A DELIGHTFUL DAY, Bunts boomed. He took notice of another half bottle of Old Lankville which had emerged from beneath the passenger seat upon stopping.

AND EVEN MORE DELIGHTFUL NOW!  HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

He clicked on the radio and found a station out of the East playing light trumpets. He drained the rest of the bottle.

The sun disappeared behind some clouds and the lake grew darker.

Bunts slowly lifted himself out of the car. On unsteady legs, he removed the duffel bag from the trunk and began negotiating the long hill that ran down to the water.

He had spotted them from the parking lot. A young couple, sunning themselves on a picnic blanket, at the end of the promontory that jutted out into Lake Rancho Berries.

AH, YOUNG JEJUNE LOVE. WHAT A DELIGHT!  Bunts removed the AR-15 from the bag, attached the sight and folded down the versa pod. He then fired nine shots in a perfect semi-circle into the water in front of the couple.

The man and the woman both covered their heads and then the woman began screaming. The man grabbed her and the two jumped into the water. They were under for a full half minute.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, Tibbs boomed.

He disengaged the sight, folded up the versa pod and placed everything into the duffel bag. Then, he ambled up the hill.

When he got to the parking lot, he looked back. The couple had their heads half out of the water, staring at him. He waved.

HAVE A GOOD DAY, he yelled.

 

He got into the car and drove back to Almond Beach. When he passed the pumping station, he saw no one.

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