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Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena to Open Tonight

January 10, 2013 Leave a comment

By Nient Boffo
Senior Staff Writer

File photo

Vitiello Decorative Hams Arena will open tonight as it plays host to the “Glacier Tangle Capades”, a popular traveling ice show.

“It’s an adequate trial run for the hockey season,” said owner Chris Vitiello. “The capades are a frivolous, nugatory event but it will allow us to examine the breadth of our ices. We will also have decorative hams at concession. They will be the only item at concession.”

The new arena, which seats 21,000 and features a scoreboard in the shape of a decorative ham, was constructed during the fall and early winter.

“Few expenses were spared,” noted project manager Ian Elton Joel. “There are even bathroom stalls for the especially fat. It has been thoughtfully laid out.”

Joel suddenly produced a chainsaw and began running towards a group of bystanders.

“I wanted the arena to be a palace,” added Vitiello, who was quality-testing some decorative hams by dropping them into an overfilled children’s swimming pool. “When patrons enter, they will see ushers in full uniform. Each usher will carry a whip. And that is how you address the issue of accountability.”

Vitiello pushed this writer down into the mud and the interview was ended prematurely.

Categories: Sports Tags: ,
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