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SUNDAY FEATURE: Letters We Get From Old People

October 26, 2014 Leave a comment
By Fletcher M. Gregory, Jr.

By Fletcher M. Gregory, Jr.

The Lankville Daily News is lusciously delighted beyond measure to present a new Sunday feature– letters we get from old people. Fletcher M. Gregory, Jr. served many years in the Lankville Air Legionnaires. He is now 85 years old and retired.

Mr. Gregory’s letter is to the Eastern Lankville Petroleum Company.

Dear Gentlemen,

My name is Fletcher M. Gregory, Jr. and I am 85 years old. Recently, my man-servant and chaffeur drove me to the local auditorium to attend a revival screening of the film Pardon My Trunk. It is a delightful Island film in which a family receives a clumsy elephant as a gift. But that is not why I am writing gentlemen.

After the film, my man-servant discovered that we were low on petroleum and he pulled into the nearest service station which happened to be an “ELP”. I must say, gentlemen, that both my man-servant and I were vastly disappointed. Firstly, an indigent lower-class person continually pestered my man-servant as he attempted to refuel the auto. The man kept saying, “I’m enjoying twenty-seven hours of wonderful sobriety, sir,” despite the fact that he was disturbingly inebriated. Then, without warning, he suddenly lurched forward and regurgitated what appeared to be a combination of malt liquor and some sort of orange, tubular-shaped snack food onto the rear window of my car.

Typical ELP service station.

Typical ELP service station.

I say, gentlemen, if you cannot keep your stations free of such human detritus, then your business shall surely suffer for it.

I am not finished, however. After my man-servant was able to free himself of this absurd individual, he went about the business of attempting to remove the vomitus expulsion from the rear window of the auto. Despite an exhaustive search, my man-servant could not locate a “squeegee” anywhere on the lot. He decided then to probe the attendant as to the reason for the lack of “squeegee’s”. He was (curtly) told by the lower-class attendant that we don’t got no squeegee’s. So now, gentlemen, I must ask– WHY? WHY ARE YOU UNABLE TO PROVDE THE CONSUMER WITH A SQUEEGEE?

Unless furnished with an appropriate answer, I will be unable to patronize your establishment in the future.

Limp regards,
Fletcher M. Gregory, Jr.

The Eastern Lankville Petroleum Company had not responded to Mr. Gregory’s letter at press time.

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