Home > 2012-13 Season > Decorative Hams Ordered for League Offices

Decorative Hams Ordered for League Offices

By Commodore Evans Emmurian
Staff Writer (Occasional)
File photo

Several crates of Vitiello Decorative Hams arrived yesterday to Pondicherry Association league offices, according to witnesses.

“They brought a crate to each department,” said secretary Meg Majors, who works in the “Pondicherry Advancement” offices on the 7th floor. “We weren’t sure what to do with them exactly, so we put a bunch of them in a center of the conference room table and then we piled the rest in a bathroom closet.”

“The directions for placement were unclear,” noted legal adviser Bill Jumpers-Hole. “And there were thousands of them all told. The building is now crawling with them.”

When asked if disposal was an option, Jumpers-Hole said, “absolutely not. We are all collectively bound to these hams.”

It is unclear who placed the order and calls to 24-Piece Men GM and Decorative Ham magnate Chris Vitiello were not returned.

“You get tossed around to a lot of different operators,” said Majors, who sported firm, high melons and a round, pleasing slice of business out back. “Many of the operators seem to be crying or are sick. There is mass confusion, even hysteria. Ultimately, you hear the screams of many people and the line goes dead. I have no idea what’s going on.”

“We’ve got a lot of hams here,” said Majors, who began pressing her mounds against her desk. “Doesn’t mean, though, that there isn’t a little more room for more meat.”

Minor and Emmurian quickly disappeared into a bathroom and the interview was ended prematurely.

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