Home > Musings of a Decorative Ham Man > Musings of a Decorative Ham Man by Chris Vitiello

Musings of a Decorative Ham Man by Chris Vitiello

By Chris Vitiello
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There is so much to a Vitiello Decorative Ham. When it arrives at your door, you will receive a little card, inserted into a delicate golden envelope. Removing the card, which is printed on only the finest papers, you will find that each ham has been named. At the bottom of the card, you will discover a “seal” which forever binds you legally to the ham. There needs to be accountability.

I was once asked to host an award show for decorative meats. But then it was decided that I could not host, as I would likely be the winner. Coffee was served and fragile, graceful women moved about the tables which were covered in finespun gauze. There was no place for me to hide my whip– I wrapped it around my neck as a challenge to the men. And the men backed down.

I was awarded a prize and as I was leaving the ceremony, one of the fragile, graceful women called my name in a coquettish fashion. I whipped her mercilessly. I would not allow the tyranny of her sex to crush me.

Later, I went home and wrapped myself in overly hot towels, head to toe. I collapsed out of sheer exhaustion into bed. I thought of my award as a sort of bad dream.

The next morning I took one of my decorative hams and cracked it open. Stale air was released.

That was the last time I hurt them.

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