Home > 2012-13 Season > Fick: “I Am Returning to the Heaths from Whence I Came”

Fick: “I Am Returning to the Heaths from Whence I Came”

By Tommy “The Anvil” Bulova
Small Events Attache
File photo

In a surprise press conference held early this morning in a dreary, dimly-lit Masonic hall, Darkness GM Fick announced his retirement from hockey effective today.

“I am returning to the heaths from whence I came,” said the somnolent executive, who appeared unshaven and with deep, dark circles beneath his eyes and, for some reason, his mouth. “It is time to return to the heaths. I know that now.”

The press conference featured an assortment of waffles and pancakes, all of which were entirely too hot to eat and mysteriously remained so throughout the entire event.

“In the next few days, I will be appointing various figures to resume control of Darkness,” said Fick, who read from a series of small, colored index cards. “From thence forward, you will hear from me via alternative means of communication which will become apparent soon.”

Fick then tore up the index cards into tiny bits and then burned the detritus on the surface of the podium. He then joined press agents and reporters for breakfast.

“These waffles and pancakes do not appear to cool,” he affirmed. “We cannot eat them.”

A period of extreme perturbation ensued followed by violence followed by an unannounced eclipse of the early morning sun that lasted for hours.

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