Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Water Lillies

Home > Royer's Madcap Experiences > Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Water Lillies

Royer’s Madcap Experiences: The Water Lillies

January 25, 2013 Leave a comment Go to comments

By The Great President of Hell (formerly Ric Royer)

File photo

I had been sitting around the overheated, unfinished attic all morning before it finally hit me.

“Fuck it,” I said aloud. “I’ll go sit down by the water lillies.”

So, I packed up a jar of pickles, a baking sheet, some sticker albums and a transistor radio and headed down there in the loud, ancient pickup. The dust swirled all around me and the corn swayed listlessly in the heat. I passed only a strange, ragged hitchhiker near a crossroads and a cornfed woman, pitching dung into a rusty roadside barrel. I slammed on the brakes.

“I’m going to sit by the water lillies,” I announced.
She pulled off her straw hat. “Yeah?”
“Yeah. You better god damn believe it.” I tried to sound assured of my place in the world but inwardly I was crumbling.
She got in. We drove in silence.

We had to walk across a hilly field. “Where are the lillies? she asked.
I started sobbing. I could see it coming.

It was a vast, grey miasma, somehow ghoulish in appearance and it had enveloped the ridge beyond and was lurking slowly and eerily towards us. I screamed and dropped the burden but then reached down and saved the sticker books. I pushed the girl over into a basin and started running.

Hours later, I was safe inside a trailer. The interior was paneled in pleasing ersatz wood tones and the furniture was upholstered in a delightful gingham pattern. The glow of the overhead light was warm and safe. I removed the crumpled sticker books from my bag.

“You gonna work on those?” asked the drunken hayseed that had given me refuge.
“Yes. I want to so bad.”
“Well…I’ve got some TV trays. That might work.”
“Please. It’s so…I want them.”

The hayseed seemed to understand. He stumbled towards a closet and emerged with a battered TV tray. He unfolded the legs and crushed them into the carpet before me.

I set up the books.
“Gonna’ be a hell of a ride,” he said, still looking over me.

I nodded. Then I removed a sticker from a virgin sheet and turned to the first page.

Comments (0) Trackbacks (0) Leave a comment Trackback

No comments yet.

No trackbacks yet.

FIND YOUR FAVORITE COLUMNS!

CURIOUS LETTERS

Gentlemen,

My name is Fletcher M. Gregory, Jr. and I am 85 years old. I have long been an admirer of your Fluffy Marshes-Mallows; indeed, my man-servant Mr. Swift and I enjoy it atop our sundaes three or four days per week! However, as time has passed, I have noticed that your product becomes more and more difficult to locate in the grocery center and that other, obviously inferior products are now being allotted primer space. Now, this could be the work of the disgraceful he-she that manages my local grocery center (IT'S name is "Steve") but I have had other associates who have expressed similar concerns.

Therefore, I was hoping you could provide me with information on how you intend to rectify this matter as I am fearful that your fine product will eventually disappear forever from the shelves of my local grocery center-cum Sodom.

Yours faithfully,
Fletcher M. Gregory, Lankville

LANKVILLE IN PIECES

Test yourself. Take "Lankville in Pieces" apart and see how long it takes you to get it together again. Puzzle pundits will enjoy this breathtaking, colorful 165-piece jigsaw puzzle of Lankville now being offered by The News. It comes assembled, has a plastic, lock-top storage bag, coupons and a portable "lifter" for use on restaurant tables. The puzzle sells for $20 in The News lobby or for $24 to cover postage and handling by electronic snappy mail. Send cash to: Lankville in Pieces, Kiosk 258, The Lankville Daily News, Lankville City, 02416.

TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers

The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).

© 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017 by Devon Fick and The Lankville Daily News. All material written by Devon Fick unless otherwise indicated. With additional material by David Hadbawnik, Shane Meyer, Sarah Samways and Brian Schropp. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Devon Fick and The Lankville Daily News with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

	Jade Gorman on Funny Stories by Dick Oakes,…
	oversion on Samways and Fick: Identity…
	oversion on Funny Stories by Dick Oakes,…
	oversion on Bath Times with My Father Gump…
	Life Lessons Funeral… on Son of Tibbs

The Lankville Daily News