Home > Lankville Action News: YES!, Royer's Madcap Experiences > Royer’s “Mall House” to Open Tonight

Royer’s “Mall House” to Open Tonight

January 22, 2014 Leave a comment Go to comments

By Larry “God” Peters   The Lankville Action News YES! Team
Far-Flung Areas Correspondent
file photo

Business magnate and sports team owner Ric Royer announced this morning that his new “mall house” will open tonight at Removed Pines Mall in Downtown Lankville.

Royer, who leased the empty retail space last week, says that he will be taking up permanent residence at the shopping facility.

Royer's most recent mental institution portrait.

Royer’s most recent mental institution portrait.

“This is home. It feels right,” said Royer, standing outside the shuttered retail space as confused mall patrons passed by. “By opening, of course, I mean that it’s my own personal opening, only for me. It’s the opening of my new life here. Ultimately, however, the store will always be closed because it’s my house.”

Mall officials admitted today that they were not aware of Royer’s intentions.

“He told us he was opening up a shop that would carry a wide selection of putties,” said Removed Pines Mall CEO Scott Kites. “We thought it was odd but he had the necessary funding and he certainly had the spirit we were looking for– I mean, he’s here every day, all day.”

Kites indicated that the Mall may have to cancel Royer’s application.

“You can’t live here. That’s the law. Our mall’s law,” Kites added.

Royer, however, was not deterred.

“That Kites fellow has no idea what he’s up against. If he tries anything to ruin my night, I’ll teach him about loss. I’ll teach him about darkness.”

Royer then traipsed off towards the food court and the interview was ended prematurely.

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