Home > Musings of a Decorative Ham Man > Musings of a Decorative Ham Man

Musings of a Decorative Ham Man

January 30, 2014 Leave a comment Go to comments
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By Chris Vitiello

You cannot stack decorative hams. They are not meant to occupy space. They must be laid professionally on proper surfaces. I have known men– these are crude, unschooled men– who will attempt to suspend decorative hams from ceilings using only the hemp or perhaps raw cable. Later, these men will represent grim portrayals of lives bound to the soil.

A Vitiello Decorative Ham

A Vitiello Decorative Ham

It has been said that if you run through the streets, saying you imitate a lunatic, you are in fact a lunatic. Thusly, if you hang a decorative ham, saying you imitate a decorative ham man, you are in fact nothing and should be whipped. This is an excellent example of a “play on words”.

There have been times when great sums are proffered. And a man will say, “Please put these decorative hams in the shape of a sphere and hang them over the swimming pool.” And I will say, “I will not” and I immediately gather up the hams and begin packing them in their crates. And the man will say, “But I have paid for these, I can have them presented in whatever fashion I wish” and I merely whisper a quiet, “No” and continue packing. And if the man persists, I will whip him and suspend him above his swimming pool.

You must not push me.

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