Home > Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr. > Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.

Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.

Dick Oakes, Jr.

Dick Oakes, Jr.

Ended up at the Kent Motel in the middle of the night. Some glitzy city on the western coast of Lankville. The office door was locked so I went through the courtyard and snooped around. There was a pool there– somebody had left a couple of moist towels on the concrete and a little satchel of fried chicken on a table with some daisies around it.  I nabbed the chicken– wolfed it down in the darkness behind an ice machine.

After that, I spotted a fat guy sitting in an arm chair with a little dog. He was stroking its head and looking off towards the west. There was no sense to any of it.

I approached him. “You wanna’ quit fooling with that dog for a bit and rent me a room?”

“The only room left is on the top floor. Way back there on the left. Overlooking the street and the illuminated sign. We haven’t got around to putting curtains up.” His voice was effeminate.  “By the way, by removing that chicken from those surrounding daisies, you’ve ruined someone’s tableau.”

I couldn’t figure on any of it.  “Just rent me the room would you?”

He took forever to get out of the chair and then made a big pretense of laying some padding out on a chaise-lounge for the dog. I’ve never seen shit like this I thought to myself but I decided to let it go.  I followed him to the office.

It was a spare place with bright overhead flourescents.  Gave me a sudden bitch of a headache.  I gave him my last two twenties and got only a couple of bucks in return.

“Everything’s higher in this town, idn’t it,” I said.

“In microeconomics, supply and demand is an economic model of price determination in a given market,” he started.  He pulled out a little chart.

“Skip it.  Just give me the god damn key would you?”

He handed it over.


It was a carpeted room with a couple of double beds draped in salmon-colored rib cord cotton bedspreads and a little TV on a desk.  I threw up suddenly into a blue plastic trash can that had a flower with a smiley face.  Fucking hell, Oakes, I thought to myself.  I couldn’t keep it up– I knew it.  I crawled to the bed and slept for I don’t know how long.

When I woke up, it was way after noon.  There were a couple of guys standing in the doorway and the little manager was standing behind them stroking that damn dog.  I sat up.

“Well..?” I said.

“You better come down with us,” one of the guys said.  I couldn’t figure him on a cop but this town seemed to have it all wrong anyway.

“He ate chicken that didn’t belong to him,” the manager said quietly.

“And ruined someone’s tableau,” the other guy added.  “We’ll take it from here.”

They let me get dressed and walk down the stairs on my own.  The sun was blinding.

“Where are we going?” I asked.

“Outside of town,” one guy said.  “There’s a little abandoned place, used to be a pancake house.  They got tall bushes out front that obscures the view to the street.”

“What’s gonna’ happen there?”

“We’ll beat the hell out of you.  Then bring you back.”


There was nothing I could say.  We got back by nightfall.

  1. Mikhail Goberman
    June 5, 2014 at 8:41 am


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