Home > Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr. > Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.: Big Trouble at Johnny Plechino’s

Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.: Big Trouble at Johnny Plechino’s

By Dick Oakes, Jr.

By Dick Oakes, Jr.

Johnny Plechino himself came out and told me to put the “Pizza Pie” sign back up. It had fallen to the curb and killed a homeless.

“Where do you want it?”

Johnny Plechino rubbed his chin. He was a fat, slovenly man who perpetually wore tomato sauce-stained T-shirts, after a fashion. As if that weren’t bad enough, I personally hated Islanders.

“Fix it up to hang from the second floor,” he finally said. “You can go up the back staircase.”

Johnny Plechino's

Johnny Plechino’s

I had to go through Johnny Plechino’s filthy bachelor apartment. There were stag magazines and films everywhere. I could hear the complete madness of next door issuing through the paper-thin walls– it was Big Ed’s Barbeque– nobody had any idea what went on in there. All I heard was a moaning in crescendo and the sound of things being suddenly deflated. I decided to mind my own business.

I threw up the sash of Johnny Plechino’s bedroom window. It was a degenerate street that Johnny Plechino had decided to open a carry-out on– there was scum everywhere. Some guy had a basket on his head and was urinating against a lamppost. That was the kind of thing you had to put up with around Johnny Plechinos.

I fixed up the old brass holder and replaced the sign. It blew listlessly in the wind. Then, I heard a door open. It was a gorgeous piece of eye candy, fresh out of the shower.

“I’m clean,” she said.

We humped.

Come to find out, it was Johnny Plechino’s girl. Turns out, he had a pile of money and he kept her there, in that trash-strewn apartment. And he knew about me and her right away.

That’s when I figured there would be big trouble at Johnny Plechino’s (titular line).

  1. Mikhail Goberman
    June 11, 2014 at 10:23 am

    masterstroke

  2. Isak Dinesen
    June 11, 2014 at 10:28 am

    Ain’t no party like a Dick Oakes Jr. party, cause a Dick Oakes Jr. party don’t stop!

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