Missing Magnate Meyer Spotted Entering Woods with Case of Light Beer
By Bernie Keebler
Senior Staff Writer
A LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS YES! BREAKING REPORT
Missing fried plantain magnate Shane Meyer was spotted this morning entering a wooded area carrying a case of light beer.
Meyer was followed along a rudimentary dirt path until he came to a stop along a hillside overlooking a debris-choked creek and a half-deserted Neptune dealership. He placed a tattered blanket on the ground, opened a beer and began unloading items from a small backpack which included a plastic container of soup, a copy of popular singer John Berndt’s autobiography Get to the Heart, RIGHT! and a makeup palette.
Meyer family, 1982. Shane is pictured second from right.
Meyer was observed for nearly an hour, applying different shades of rouge and then removing them with a moist rag. He read occasionally from the Berndt book and drank seven beverages. He disposed of the cans in the aforementioned creek.
Meyer suddenly sensed that we were watching him when this reporter accidentally stepped on a nearby squeeze toy. As he stared fixedly into the brush where we lay, the executive slowly slipped out of his shorts and began to urinate straight into the air, managing a fount between six to eight feet. We knew then it was time to leave.
The incident was later reported to the Lankville Police Offices, who promised a full investigation.
“Obviously we would like to know where he is,” said Detective Gee-Temple, who was placed in charge of the case. “Mr. Meyers [sic] is an important, rich man and we will spare no expense in locating him.”
Meyer has been missing since August, 2013, when the crude tire-house in which he had been living burned to the ground.
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hahahahahahahahaha
Can we just leave the man be?!? This is the burden of genius and make no mistake, he is a genuis! NO MISTAKE!!! Before him I thought of plantains as yucky starchy bananas, and the people who ate them as stupid or foreigners. Meyer changed that. Gave me the gift of the plantain. Saved my life. And why do we have to hold up our heros to such impossible double standards. Who among us hasn’t whiled away a warm summers eve with a dozen light ones and a good spirited session of urolagnia? Who? Who?