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News of the Weird: Northern Lankville’s Giant Woods Spectre

July 23, 2014 2 comments
By Graahaam Fosdick

By Graahaam Fosdick

weird

The enormous giant woods spectre that has been the wonder of sportsmen in Northern Lankville since 1991 has again been seen, and this time under very different circumstances. A cyclist came close to the monster on the road between Northtown and Berrycandy, and was obliged to abandon his wheels and climb a tree for safety.

The cyclist, Andy Peebles, 54 (heterosexual) gave a brief interview.

“I saw the woods spectre up close. I can say that I’ve never seen anything even approaching such size and mass. He presents quite a weird appearance at night because of his pink, rosy glow. I was, of course, cycling with guns, so I shot at the spectre but to no avail.”

Peebles suddenly shot himself in the face when a shell accidentally discharged and the interview was ended prematurely.

Curious photo of the woods spectre (REAL!)

Curious photo of the woods spectre (REAL!)

It was in 1991 that the woods spectre was first seen by Artie Duffy of Northtown who was sitting in the woods with his pants off. Duffy did not get near enough to the spectre for a good description but states that he saw it plainly. Everybody laughed at the story and Duffy was called many names and eventually admitted to an asylum where he died mysteriously. Not many months after Duffy’s death, a policeman, who asked to remain anonymous and was also in the woods with his pants off, saw the great woods spectre. “I had a lot of guns with me and I shot at [it] too and I noticed that the glow changed. It went from pink to a sort of chartreuse. That’s when a lot of us around here really thought there was something to shoot at.”

For many years, people with guns began shooting haphazardly around the woods between Northtown and Berrycandy, hoping for a chance at the giant woods spectre. 369 hunters were killed during this period. In 1996, Granville Grays, a store proprietor, got closest. “Granville was right up against him before we accidentally shot him,” noted companion Darrell Exchanges in a 2004 interview with News of the Weird. “After that, the giant woods spectre went tearing off down the road at abominable speeds.” Exchanges was later shot.

In 2008, Detective Gee-Temple was called in from the capital. “There was a lot of nonsense going on in those woods, so we aimed to reach a conclusion,” noted the intrepid lawman. “In 2010, we were given the go-ahead to burn the woods down and attempt to ferret the spectre out into a series of complicated nets we had arranged around the perimeter.”

The results? “Nothing. We didn’t find a darned thing,” stated Gee-Temple, who apologized immediately for cursing. “If there’s a spectre, then it’s still out there.”

And the residents of Northtown and Berrycandy? “Oh, we believe in him, no question,” said longtime resident Joe Spurrs, who is unemployed and fat. “I’ve seen him when I’m standing in my kitchen at night, trying to decide if I want a frozen mint patty or whether I maybe want to save one for the next day or maybe whether I just want to go ahead and eat the whole box up and buy another one but then remembering that I’ll have to wait until they freeze again. [we asked Spurrs to move on to the spectre].  Well, he finds patches of woods that are still left around here, areas they didn’t burn down yet or develop. He’s got some aim. We’ll find out eventually.”

Missing Magnate Meyer Spotted Entering Woods with Case of Light Beer

June 11, 2014 2 comments
By Bernie Keebler Senior Staff Writer

By Bernie Keebler
Senior Staff Writer

A LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS YES! BREAKING REPORT

 

Missing fried plantain magnate Shane Meyer was spotted this morning entering a wooded area carrying a case of light beer.

Meyer was followed along a rudimentary dirt path until he came to a stop along a hillside overlooking a debris-choked creek and a half-deserted Neptune dealership. He placed a tattered blanket on the ground, opened a beer and began unloading items from a small backpack which included a plastic container of soup, a copy of popular singer John Berndt’s autobiography Get to the Heart, RIGHT! and a makeup palette.

Meyer family, 1982.  Shane is pictured second from right.

Meyer family, 1982. Shane is pictured second from right.

Meyer was observed for nearly an hour, applying different shades of rouge and then removing them with a moist rag. He read occasionally from the Berndt book and drank seven beverages. He disposed of the cans in the aforementioned creek.

Meyer suddenly sensed that we were watching him when this reporter accidentally stepped on a nearby squeeze toy. As he stared fixedly into the brush where we lay, the executive slowly slipped out of his shorts and began to urinate straight into the air, managing a fount between six to eight feet. We knew then it was time to leave.

The incident was later reported to the Lankville Police Offices, who promised a full investigation.

“Obviously we would like to know where he is,” said Detective Gee-Temple, who was placed in charge of the case. “Mr. Meyers [sic] is an important, rich man and we will spare no expense in locating him.”

Meyer has been missing since August, 2013, when the crude tire-house in which he had been living burned to the ground.

News of the Weird: “Inner Hammer” Reappears: “I Was Bored”

February 4, 2014 Leave a comment

By Graahaam Fosdick
Special Weird Correspondent

Graahaam Fosdick

Graahaam Fosdick

weird

Small pizza tycoon “Inner Hammer” returned home last night after a two-day absence following his evaporation into a local cornfield.

“I was bored,” the executive explained. “I was given the rare opportunity to evaporate into a cornfield, to visit vast worlds beyond my own and I took it. It was a strange and invigorating experience.”

When asked what these alternate universes were like, “Inner Hammer” responded, “they were each their own, small heaven with some distinctive characteristic as you traveled from one to another. For example, one world was all old-fashioned candy shoppes where no payment was accepted. The candy was merely free nectar from some mysterious but benevolent god.”

“Inner Hammer” was then asked what prompted him to bother to return from such enchanted environments.

“In the last universe, I was permitted to pop unlimited vag. Frankly, I’m a little chafed.”

The executive is expected to return to small pizza matters tomorrow.

News of the Weird: Business Tycoon “Inner Hammer” Disappears Into Local Cornfield

February 1, 2014 2 comments
Unflattering File Photo

Unflattering File Photo

By Graahaam Fosdickweird

The body of small pizza tycoon “Inner Hammer” suddenly vanished while walking along the edge of a cornfield, sources are now reporting.

“He turned and waved and laughed like a little girl as the corn tickled his chin and then his body just evaporated,” said Inner Hammer’s Teets Island girlfriend via an interpreter. “It was alternately both magical and monstrous.” [Editor’s note: Mr. Fosdick has added some literary embellishments to the Islander’s account].

Authorities were called to the scene and although the field was minutely combed for several hours, no signs of Inner Hammer could be found.

“There was nothing,” said Detective Gee-Temple. “Not even so much as a bit of tissue, a fibrous entity or a lightweight pants-filament. We discovered several other corpses, of course, but that’s par for the course.”

Gee-Temple then suddenly voided his bowels and the interview had to be ended prematurely.

One of the few known photographs of "Inner Hammer".

One of the few known photographs of “Inner Hammer”.

When asked if Inner Hammer had ever dissolved in such a manner before, the Islander girlfriend exclaimed, “Not in the twenty minutes that I’ve known him.”

The area has been placed on an “amber alert” and signs above highways are posting unflattering photographs of the small pizza magnate.

At press time, police are reporting no significant leads. “We’ve had some calls where people have complained about the Inner Hammer brand frozen pizzas and how, when you open the packaging, all the cheese sort of explodes off the pizza when it makes contact with the air but other than that, I’m afraid we’ve received nothing of value,” noted Gee-Temple.

Police will continue with their investigation today.

Mystical Goblet Auctionned

January 30, 2014 Leave a comment
IMAG009

File Photo

News of the Weirdweird
By Graahaam Fosdick

A mystical goblet, which was discovered six months ago in the Teets Island Chain, has been auctionned sources are confirming.

The goblet, which is said to have divining properties, was sold to Lankville business magnate Eric Gelsinger.  The price was $1,257,421.00 (Lankville).

“I think if you put it on the floor or in some dirt it supposedly can tell the future,” noted Gelsinger, who operates a series of all-nude clubs in the Lankville downtown area.  “I haven’t tried it out yet.  In fact, it’s still in the box.  I haven’t been at all in the mood to use a boxcutter to slice the god damn thing open.”

The goblet, which is made of gold and bedecked with wondrous jewels, was discovered in a men’s room at the Southern Teets Island Bus Arrival Center by a local.  It has not been photographed and the auction was believed to be private and by invitation only.

“I buy a lot of stuff like that.  Adds a little class to my strip joints,” Gelsinger added.

Sources are confirming that Gelsinger outbid fellow Lankville business magnates “Inner Hammer” and Ric Royer.

“I’m disappointed,” noted Royer from his shuttered retail space/home at Twin Removed Pines Mall.  “I would have enjoyed having something that could predict the future– perhaps predict the dishes that would be served on any given day at the food court.  That would have been convenient for me.”

Royer began removing his shirt and sobbing and the interview had to be ended prematurely.

“Not too many people out there that have a mystical goblet,” Gelsinger noted.  “I think I got one up on just about everybody in Lankville in that regard.”