Home > News of the Weird > News of the Weird: Northern Lankville’s Giant Woods Spectre

News of the Weird: Northern Lankville’s Giant Woods Spectre

July 23, 2014 Leave a comment Go to comments
By Graahaam Fosdick

By Graahaam Fosdick

weird

The enormous giant woods spectre that has been the wonder of sportsmen in Northern Lankville since 1991 has again been seen, and this time under very different circumstances. A cyclist came close to the monster on the road between Northtown and Berrycandy, and was obliged to abandon his wheels and climb a tree for safety.

The cyclist, Andy Peebles, 54 (heterosexual) gave a brief interview.

“I saw the woods spectre up close. I can say that I’ve never seen anything even approaching such size and mass. He presents quite a weird appearance at night because of his pink, rosy glow. I was, of course, cycling with guns, so I shot at the spectre but to no avail.”

Peebles suddenly shot himself in the face when a shell accidentally discharged and the interview was ended prematurely.

Curious photo of the woods spectre (REAL!)

Curious photo of the woods spectre (REAL!)

It was in 1991 that the woods spectre was first seen by Artie Duffy of Northtown who was sitting in the woods with his pants off. Duffy did not get near enough to the spectre for a good description but states that he saw it plainly. Everybody laughed at the story and Duffy was called many names and eventually admitted to an asylum where he died mysteriously. Not many months after Duffy’s death, a policeman, who asked to remain anonymous and was also in the woods with his pants off, saw the great woods spectre. “I had a lot of guns with me and I shot at [it] too and I noticed that the glow changed. It went from pink to a sort of chartreuse. That’s when a lot of us around here really thought there was something to shoot at.”

For many years, people with guns began shooting haphazardly around the woods between Northtown and Berrycandy, hoping for a chance at the giant woods spectre. 369 hunters were killed during this period. In 1996, Granville Grays, a store proprietor, got closest. “Granville was right up against him before we accidentally shot him,” noted companion Darrell Exchanges in a 2004 interview with News of the Weird. “After that, the giant woods spectre went tearing off down the road at abominable speeds.” Exchanges was later shot.

In 2008, Detective Gee-Temple was called in from the capital. “There was a lot of nonsense going on in those woods, so we aimed to reach a conclusion,” noted the intrepid lawman. “In 2010, we were given the go-ahead to burn the woods down and attempt to ferret the spectre out into a series of complicated nets we had arranged around the perimeter.”

The results? “Nothing. We didn’t find a darned thing,” stated Gee-Temple, who apologized immediately for cursing. “If there’s a spectre, then it’s still out there.”

And the residents of Northtown and Berrycandy? “Oh, we believe in him, no question,” said longtime resident Joe Spurrs, who is unemployed and fat. “I’ve seen him when I’m standing in my kitchen at night, trying to decide if I want a frozen mint patty or whether I maybe want to save one for the next day or maybe whether I just want to go ahead and eat the whole box up and buy another one but then remembering that I’ll have to wait until they freeze again. [we asked Spurrs to move on to the spectre].  Well, he finds patches of woods that are still left around here, areas they didn’t burn down yet or develop. He’s got some aim. We’ll find out eventually.”

Categories: News of the Weird Tags: , ,
  1. Chileanmonk
    July 23, 2014 at 10:45 am
    Reply

    I used to hang out in those woods a lot, before I got my life together, and what nobody’s talking bout it his vicious temptations! You go there just for a nice meander and look-see and before you know it that damn spectre’s swizzeled your brains all around with his pink fuzzy damned allurements!

  2. Shawn Air-Systems
    July 23, 2014 at 10:50 am
    Reply

    I agree with the previous comment. Also, there is nothing wrong with sitting in the woods with your pants off. We need less oversight and more of that. Can you print my comment? I have a large scrapbook.

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