News of the Weird: Business Tycoon “Inner Hammer” Disappears Into Local Cornfield
Unflattering File Photo
By Graahaam Fosdick
The body of small pizza tycoon “Inner Hammer” suddenly vanished while walking along the edge of a cornfield, sources are now reporting.
“He turned and waved and laughed like a little girl as the corn tickled his chin and then his body just evaporated,” said Inner Hammer’s Teets Island girlfriend via an interpreter. “It was alternately both magical and monstrous.” [Editor’s note: Mr. Fosdick has added some literary embellishments to the Islander’s account].
Authorities were called to the scene and although the field was minutely combed for several hours, no signs of Inner Hammer could be found.
“There was nothing,” said Detective Gee-Temple. “Not even so much as a bit of tissue, a fibrous entity or a lightweight pants-filament. We discovered several other corpses, of course, but that’s par for the course.”
Gee-Temple then suddenly voided his bowels and the interview had to be ended prematurely.
One of the few known photographs of “Inner Hammer”.
When asked if Inner Hammer had ever dissolved in such a manner before, the Islander girlfriend exclaimed, “Not in the twenty minutes that I’ve known him.”
The area has been placed on an “amber alert” and signs above highways are posting unflattering photographs of the small pizza magnate.
At press time, police are reporting no significant leads. “We’ve had some calls where people have complained about the Inner Hammer brand frozen pizzas and how, when you open the packaging, all the cheese sort of explodes off the pizza when it makes contact with the air but other than that, I’m afraid we’ve received nothing of value,” noted Gee-Temple.
Police will continue with their investigation today.
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Yeah those pizzas are pretty bad especially since they took my box cutters away you can’t get it open. Inner hammer should put his money where his mouth is!
The snow comes down in a manner that makes one wish one had a lightweight pants filament to give the pants more breadth.