Home > Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr. > Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.

Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.

By Dick Oakes, Jr.

By Dick Oakes, Jr.


They were shooting some business about a guy in an ape costume who was chasing a cave woman across a bridge. I caught on as an errand boy.

“We need someone to run into town for sandwiches. Or, if someone needs new pants. You know, that kind of thing,” the producer said during my interview in his trailer.

“I’m your man,” I said. I was lying.

The first four days nothing happened. They kept trying to shoot this one scene of this actress trying to cross a bridge. Damned if it made any sense at all. Then, on the fifth day, they asked me to run into town, pick up some sandwiches from some place called “Don’s”. They loaned me a car– a late model with plush seats. It was like a god damn couch on wheels. I smoked to keep awake.

There was a town. If four run-down stores and a gas station is a town. Don’s was a little further out– in an area that suddenly went from sunflower bushes to pure white sand. I couldn’t account for any of it.

Don was waiting with a couple of bags on the counter in front of his hairy arms. He was wearing a paper hat and he had a three-day growth. There was no one else in the place.Dons

“You Oakes?”
“Who else would I be?”
“Are you a fucking smart ass, you want these sandwiches and these delicious tureens of coleslaw, you better not be a fucking smart ass.”
“Alright, alright, I apologize.” I didn’t want any business. Not today.

We chatted awhile. I told him about the movie.

“They’ve been trying to film that for years. Never works out. We sell a lot of sandwiches though.”

I turned to leave.

“Hey,” he called out. “Whyn’t you skip out on your hotel, come stay out back tonight. We got a couple different cuts of slice, if you know what I’m saying.”

I thought about it. But there was no way. I had been drinking all morning. There was nothing else to do.

When I got back to the set they had shut everything down. They had left a little note on a pink card. They didn’t need sandwiches any longer, it said. And they were good on pants. Gave me the address of some garage. I was to bring the car there.

I didn’t even have to think about it.

I headed west.

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