Home > Lankville Action News: YES! > Pervert Cure Sought in New Bill

Pervert Cure Sought in New Bill

By Lloyd Byas-Kirk Political Analyst

By Lloyd Byas-Kirk, Political Analyst


Legislation designed to provide psychiatric treatment for perverts, who have been increasingly active in Lankville recently, has been prepared by the National Metropolitan Crime Thwarting League and will be presented to President Pondicherry upon his return from vacation.

Detective Gee-Temple, who is spearheading the measure, announced yesterday that the bill will be presented next month.

“We’ve seen a huge spike in perverts,” noted the intrepid lawman. “Our bill covers anything from window peeping to sex with fat people and we hope it will go a long way in putting these perverts back on the right road.”

W.W. Epperson is just one of 82.572 Lankvillians arrested as perverts this year.

W.W. Epperson is just one of 82,572 Lankvillians arrested as perverts this year.

Gee-Temple admitted that previous efforts to rehabilitate perverts have failed. “We have found that a lot of our methods don’t address the psychopathology of the illness,” stated the dauntless sleuth. “Jail terms have been proven not to work, hard labor, ditch-digging, drop-offs, beheadings– all these methods do not get to the root of the problem.”

The bill defines a pervert as “[someone] who is emotionally unstable, whose decisions [are] witless and doltish in regards to sexuality.” It provides that the pervert be placed in a separate ward of one of Lankville’s state institutions– either the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness or the Plush View Hills Hospital– and be provided necessary medical treatment.

Gee-Temple noted that in just the last few days alone, his department has been plagued by the problem of male perverts annoying theatre patrons and grocery store shoppers. “There’s been a real problem with perverts in the produce department. The fruits,” noted the unflinching shamus, who shook his head sadly at the state of affairs. “In particular, a problem with perverts holding up grapes. Round fruits. Things like that. And then speaking to customers in a lewd way. This is the sort of thing that needs to stop right now.”

Caused by Mental Defect

Dr. Lors Thon of Plush View Hills believes the pervert is suffering from a mental defect. “It requires prolonged treatment if anything at all is to be accomplished,” said the psychiatrist, who had an impressive collection of heavy tomes on his desk. “It’s a mental defect and these patients need to be segregated from other mental retardatives in order to prevent a general pollution of the hospital populace.”

A bell suddenly began ringing and Dr. Thon suddenly ran out of his office. The sounds of a riot could be heard distantly.

Pervert Statistics

Gee-Temple shared the staggering statistics. “In 2014 alone, we have made 82,572 arrests for sex perversion as compared to just 321 last year,” said the plucky dick. “A real spike. Now, most of these cases have been treated as disorderly conduct cases because the pervert was not caught in the act but rather a witness, say, a department store employee, called us because someone was doing something with a thermos. But, in many of these cases, we have caught the pervert red-handed.”

“The numbers have really gone up,” the fearless flatfoot noted after several moments of strange silence.

  1. Luigi
    August 6, 2014 at 1:18 pm

    These statistics are baffling. Why such a spike in numbers? What about the children? I, for one, will not stand for this. We should build a fence. That’ll show ’em!

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