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This Week in Lankville

Kimball J. Cranney

Kimball J. Cranney

LANKVILLE GIRL BECOMES NUN

A Western Outland Lankville broad, the former Miss Tammy Speake, has taken her first vows in the order of the Mary-Wonderment Sisters of the Motherhouse in Obrecht County.

Sister Annie

Sister Anne

She is now Sister M. Frederick Anne and will spend a year of intensive study before receiving an assignment to either a domestic or foreign mission post of the order.

“We can certainly see Sister M. Frederick Annie [sic] being assigned to the Depths,” noted head Motherhouse Sister C. Lorrie Hyginus, aged 62. “Or maybe to the Desert. There seem to be some people that get lost out there,” the shapeless, corpulent mother superior noted.

Sister Anne was a 2008 graduate of Home Dump Hardware High School in Obrecht. Her parents, Mr. and Mrs. Steve Garvey, live at 68 Cannon Street.  They have two cars and a garage.

GROUP CONTINUES PROTEST

A group of concerned citizens have entered their tenth day of protesting against the Gelsinger French Toast Club in Lankville Heights.  The club advertises “adult entertainment.”

“We don’t want it in our town,” said head organizer Leonardette Folger, 46, of Lankville Heights.  “It has been associated with a lot of crime in the area, the food is abominable, and they have live and filmed x-rated shows.  This is a family neighborhood.”

Gelsinger, who owns 26 such clubs in Lankville and is also chairman of the Lankville Assembly of Birdwatching Enthusiasts said he was not concerned.

“I provide a service that people are willing to pay for,” noted the executive, who was placing a large protective cone over the shaft of a backyard birdfeeder.  “I wouldn’t be much of a red-blooded Lankvillian if I didn’t seize that opportunity.”

Gelsinger suddenly dropped and then accidentally tread on the protective cone, crushing it nearly in half.  A series of squirrels appeared shortly thereafter and devoured the feeder’s supply of seed.

“Do you see the fucking shit I put up with?” Gelsinger was heard to ask in consternation.

Warden Gwee Valencia is under fire.

Warden Gwee Valencia is under fire.

MENTAL PATIENTS ESCAPE

At least 36 dangerous mental patients escaped last night from the Plush Views Hills Hospital, sources are confirming.

“We were putting some gelatin into some little paper cups and somehow they escaped,” noted Warden Gwee Valencia, who gave a short press conference this morning. “We think they could be dangerous to the community although we’re still sorting through our brown accordian-style folders, trying to figure out who they are.”

Valencia, 43, will face a series of hearings today and could ultimately be dismissed by Plush Views Hills.

“Gwee is a good, compassionate man who should be given another chance,” said his wife Williamette, 39, judged to be about a 6 out of 10 by this writer. “It was a mistake that could have happened to anyone.”

Plush Views Hills had 310 inmates before the escape.

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