Home > Lankville Action News: YES! > Chemical Warfare Used on Coyotes

Chemical Warfare Used on Coyotes

By Dreet Cannon, Desert Area Correspondent

By Dreet Cannon, Desert Area Correspondent

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS, YES!

Chemical warfare, the “last resort” of men at war, has finally caught up with old man coyote.

The Lankville Fish, Wildlife and Small Hill Service here has begun attacking the scourge of the chicken houses with its latest weapon– “the coyote getter”.

“The coyote getter replaces the old steel trap mechanism,” noted Desert Area director Clint Darling. “Basically, what you have here is a stick stuck in the ground, topped by a cyanide-loaded shot cartridge and smeared with a powerful food scent, not unlike, say, the smell of a pizza just removed from the oven.” Darling paused to allow reflection. “Well, when the coyote bites into this little morsel, he is poisoned and his head explodes. It’s quite a site, really.”

Grainy nighttime photograph shows the powerful effect of the "coyote getter".

Grainy nighttime photograph shows the powerful effect of the “coyote getter”.

Darling reported the number of coyotes killed since the introduction of the “coyote getter” at 1,464. “There’ve been some dogs too, you want to make sure you don’t allow any dogs in the area,” warned the official, who suddenly put on a cowboy hat for reasons unclear. “Also, some chicken coops. People have been putting them inside the coops. You want to make sure you put them at least a good mile away. We’ve lost a few people too. They’re attracted by the pizza smell, I think.” Darling adjusted the cowboy hat. “Just desert drifters though,” he added.

Some Desert residents however are appalled by the “coyote getter”.

“It’s barbaric,” said Sally Quint of the Desert Area Society for the Preservation of Animals, who has protested the mechanism. “It’s just complete overkill. Plus, it keeps people awake all night, these massive explosions every fifteen minutes.”

“We might have to look into that at some point in the future,” noted Desert Area Mayor Paul Priddy, who removed a folder from his desk drawer for effect as an explosion rocked his Main Street offices. “We’ll maybe check out these boys a little but I’m sure a compromise will be reached in the end.”

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