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Royer Addresses Media

September 5, 2014 Leave a comment Go to comments
By Brock Belvedere Senior Staff Writer

By Brock Belvedere Senior Staff Writer

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

For the first time since being committed to an insane asylum on Tuesday, Lankville business magnate Ric Royer has addressed the media.

In a press conference held this morning in a darkened, trash-strewn room at the Foontz-Flonnaise Home of Abundant Senselessness, Royer spoke with reporters for about twenty minutes.

Ric Royer addresses the media.  Note the heavy chocolate cake stains to the shirt.

Ric Royer addresses the media. Note the heavy chocolate cake stains to his shirt.

“Part of the public horror of sexual irregularity so-called is due to the fact that everyone knows himself essentially guilty,” stated Royer, who wore a button-up institutional shirt that was heavily-stained by chocolate cake. “The ordinary man looking at a mountain is like an illiterate man looking at an ancient, esoteric manuscript. You combine these two things together and the only course of action was this, this bastard of a place.”

Royer deflected several follow-up questions from journalists, many of whom were later found murdered.

He did confirm that he will maintain control of several of his business endeavors from the home and has temporarily closed his mall retail-space home.

“My Dollar Bush stores will be operating at normal business hours and I will be continuing my work with the Worlds of Royer Toy Company. We have a bear that will be coming out and also a little piano that transforms into a top. The world is a bountiful place.”

Royer was later returned to his cell and no further questions were answered. No food was served.

  1. September 27, 2014 at 7:50 am

    See you in the next life, Ric!

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