Home > Lankville Action News: YES! > Royer to Construct Lankville Roller-Skating Rink

Royer to Construct Lankville Roller-Skating Rink

September 16, 2014 Leave a comment Go to comments
By Bernie Keebler Senior Correspondent

By Bernie Keebler
Senior Correspondent

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

Institutionalized business magnate Ric Royer announced today that he will construct a roller-skating rink on an unidentified property in Northern Lankville. The rink will be known as Arcadia.

“Everything came together yesterday while I was in this very amusement room playing Lingus Nets,” noted Royer, who will bankroll the entire project. “It will be the grandest rink ever built. I want people to immediately conclude that the construction and design of this rink did not come from the mind of man. That it came from some sort of sentient being in the form of a goddess who descended upon these wretched lunatics in this wretched Foontz-Flonnaise Home [of Abundant Senselessness] and made known the entirety of its queer and puzzling design.”

Royer paused momentarily to return to another Lingus Net session, already in progress. He quickly captured the final net, deposited his sacks and claimed victory over his opponent, a fellow patient. The patient later moped and lurked in a corner.

Royer's hand-written notes on Arcadia.  Note the lime green cardstock with matte finish, sauce stain.

Royer’s hand-written notes on Arcadia. Note the lime green cardstock with matte finish, sauce stain.

“It has been decreed that we will have giant smoke machines all about Arcadia and that we will have large robotic skaters that will be extremely slow-moving and yet, still quite menacing. They will target specific patrons and pursue them throughout their visit,” added Royer, who watched carefully as a warden entered the amusement room carrying small slices of cake on colorfully-decorated paper plates. “We will have hired dancers in historic costume. We will have skates. We will…”

Royer suddenly stopped talking and wandered slowly over to the warden, who was now placing the slices of cake on a table. An interminable period of time passed as the warden laboriously cleared the table and positioned the cake slices along its edge, in a circular pattern. Royer was observed to twitch nervously and to jockey for position among the other waiting patients. Finally, the warden looked up and nodded. Royer lunged suddenly at the table.

He took his cake quietly over to a corner and the interview was ended prematurely.

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