Home > Musings of a Decorative Ham Man > Musings of a Decorative Ham Man

Musings of a Decorative Ham Man

November 17, 2014 Leave a comment Go to comments
By Chris Vitiello

By Chris Vitiello

Chris Vitiello is the founder and CEO of Vitiello Decorative Hams, Inc.

My childhood backyard was carpeted in strips of Astroturf.

They said, “Jesus Christ, this is terrible Astroturf.”  But my father demurred.  “This Astroturf is fine,” he said.  “The packaging says Quality on it.  That’s the name of the company, in fact.  “Quality Astroturf.”

I began crying. A swingset was promised.

I began crying.  A swingset was promised.

“It’s breaking apart as we lay it,” they said.  “It emits terrible fumes.”

“Naw, it’s fine,” said my father.  He sat down at the picnic table with a can of beer.

I walked along the fence.  They were having fun in the next yard.  The father was sunning himself on a chaise-lounge and the children were playing in a plastic swimming pool.  Everyone wore fashionable sunglasses.

“This Astroturf is made of dangerous materials,” they said.  “Someone lit a match earlier and a strip of this Astroturf erupted in flames.”

“It’s fine.  It’ll be fine,” my father said.

I began crying again.

That was the occasion of my 9th birthday.

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