Analysis Pending on Bumpkin Trailer Inventory; Schropp on the Breakfast Sandwich Underground

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Analysis Pending on Bumpkin Trailer Inventory; Schropp on the Breakfast Sandwich Underground

November 17, 2014 Leave a comment Go to comments

By Lloyd Byas-Kirk

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

Analysis is still pending on the bumpkin trailer inventory handed over to Lankville Daily News reporter Lloyd Byas-Kirk last Friday. The bumpkins were taken off by the wind over two weeks ago.

The bumpkin inventory is still being “analyzed”.

“I can’t imagine what the hell you’re “analyzing”,” noted Detective Gee-Temple, who handed over the roster of household items and utilized air quotation marks when pronouncing the word “analyzing”. Gee-Temple then began a long pedantic folksy tale involving a rabbit that need not be reproduced here.

There have been no further sightings of the bumpkins since their mysterious wind abduction.

SCHROPP ON THE BSU

To address a question I have been asked a lot recently, yes, the BSU (Breakfast Sandwich Underground) is real. No it’s not just me (so, let’s stop the letters please!), they are a true group for whom I am their spokesperson. They are not a terror group, they are not evil, they are everyday folk like you and me going to their offices, retail jobs and grease pits. But in their hearts, upset at the state and policies of breakfast sandwiches in Lankville and tired of getting laughed at\ridiculed about it. Do I condone some of their actions? No. The trash cans knocked over in front of supermarkets and convenience stores with “BSU” spray- painted on them is not very civil. But I feel their frustration and maybe if these places had better breakfast sandwich options these types of things wouldn’t happen.

Now, onto another topic that I have been asked about recently. The popularity of “fresh frozen” has reached an all-time high recently. What is “fresh frozen”? Put simply, it’s food which is prepared fresh, then is frozen to be delighted in at a later date. And of course this food trend has been popping up in the arena of breakfast sandwiches. Have I tried it? Yes, a few times when my mom has allowed me to “make a mess in the kitchen”. And I do believe there is a better taste and quality to your normal frozen variety of breakfast sandwich.

I have tried it…when my Mom has allowed me to “make a mess in the kitchen”.

A thought came to me while I was testing out this process. Why can’t grocery stores make breakfast sandwiches fresh in the morning, let’s say in their deli department, and then keep them frozen for customers throughout the day to enjoy? I decided to call one of my nearby grocers “Foodville” and speak with the manager Hank Cameron (who can be a real a-hole, frankly– though, don’t print that, please). Here is the transcript from that call:

“Thanks for calling Foodville, this is Louise speaking how can I help you?”

Foodville manager Hank Cameron who Schropp referred to as “a bit of an a-hole”. Cameron enjoys camping and guns.

“Hi, I was wondering if I could talk with Hank Cameron please.”
“Is this Brian? Listen, he doesn’t have time for you today. He’s going to be upset with you hassling him.”
I remained silent.
“Alright, hold on a sec.”
I WAS ON HOLD FOR 35 MINUTES! !
“What do you want Brian?”
“Yes Mr. Cameron, I have a wonderful idea that you may want to introduce to your deli department. It could really help with your sales.”
“I don’t have time for your breakfast sandwich ideas right now, I’m dealing with a delivery in the back.”
“But if I could just talk to you about fresh frozen options for breakfast sandwiches it could give you an edge over Food Mart.”
“Fresh what?!!!”
“Oh come on, you’ve heard of fresh frozen. You call yourself a grocery manager? You need to stay on top of these trends.”
“I’m hanging up now.”
“You can if you want but the BSU will probably not be happy about it.”
“Listen Brian if I find out you are the one knocking over the trash cans in front of the store I’m calling Gee-Temple.”
[Mr. Cameron slams down the phone]

Again, I do not condone any measures the BSU takes. I hope Mr. Cameron can listen to reason about new and exciting breakfast sandwich possibilites down the road. Speaking of new and exciting possibilities, The Lankville Daily News has assured me that this, dear readers, will finally be my first dedicated article! No more bumpkins! Congratulations to the News for taking an important step forward. Well until next time readers, keep your mind and mouth open to new things!!

HAPPY EATING,
BRI

Categories: Lankville Action News: YES! Tags: Brian Schropp, Cuisine by Brian Schropp, Devon Fick, Lankvile Daily News

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FIND YOUR FAVORITE COLUMNS!

CURIOUS LETTERS

Gentlemen,

My name is Fletcher M. Gregory, Jr. and I am 85 years old. I have long been an admirer of your Fluffy Marshes-Mallows; indeed, my man-servant Mr. Swift and I enjoy it atop our sundaes three or four days per week! However, as time has passed, I have noticed that your product becomes more and more difficult to locate in the grocery center and that other, obviously inferior products are now being allotted primer space. Now, this could be the work of the disgraceful he-she that manages my local grocery center (IT'S name is "Steve") but I have had other associates who have expressed similar concerns.

Therefore, I was hoping you could provide me with information on how you intend to rectify this matter as I am fearful that your fine product will eventually disappear forever from the shelves of my local grocery center-cum Sodom.

Yours faithfully,
Fletcher M. Gregory, Lankville

LANKVILLE IN PIECES

Test yourself. Take "Lankville in Pieces" apart and see how long it takes you to get it together again. Puzzle pundits will enjoy this breathtaking, colorful 165-piece jigsaw puzzle of Lankville now being offered by The News. It comes assembled, has a plastic, lock-top storage bag, coupons and a portable "lifter" for use on restaurant tables. The puzzle sells for $20 in The News lobby or for $24 to cover postage and handling by electronic snappy mail. Send cash to: Lankville in Pieces, Kiosk 258, The Lankville Daily News, Lankville City, 02416.

TRAVEL TIPS by Randy Hammers

The Kum Back Inn in the Lankville Desert Area has long been serving road-weary travelers. They feature a restaurant (with cocktails) and two spacious conference rooms. The Kum Back boasts 65 units-- each including window dressing, some chairs and a larger chair (seats two smallish children), a bed with orange comforter, a plastic trash can, clever paintings, and a windowless door. TV also available in 17 (sometimes 19) rooms. Most of the rooms are air-conditioned. Oscillating fans available upon request. Illuminated carports will protect your vehicle from the vicious sudden dust storms that often overtake the Desert Area and the wild thieves that occasionally parade across the landscape like some unmentionable horror. Call now at TU-0780 and ask for Bud or Karen (married).

© 2012, 2013, 2014, 2015, 2016, 2017 by Devon Fick and The Lankville Daily News. All material written by Devon Fick unless otherwise indicated. With additional material by David Hadbawnik, Shane Meyer, Sarah Samways and Brian Schropp. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Devon Fick and The Lankville Daily News with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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