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Guy Really Going to Town on Smoothie

November 20, 2014 Leave a comment Go to comments
By Brock Belvedere

By Brock Belvedere


The guy that kicked the smoothie's ass.

The guy that kicked the smoothie’s ass.

A local Lankville man is really going to town on a smoothie, sources are confirming.

“He’s wolfing it down like a motherfucker!” said impressed Smoothie Monarch employee Jarred Heaths of Inner Lankville Suburban Heights. “He went over in that corner by the window and you could tell that that was the end of that smoothie. It was a god damn rout, is what it was.”

“He pretty much said “checkmate” to that smoothie before it ever had a chance,” said a fellow customer who refused to be identified.

The man, who has yet to be identified himself, later thanked onlookers for their kind words in a short, previously-prepared speech.

“I’m glad that my overwhelming triumph brought a little bit of added sunshine to everyone’s morning,” he said, as he looked down at the empty smoothie glass, which lay overturned and broken on the table, a spent reminder of its former glory. “You vanquish, you look down over your opponent with respect and then you endure.”

The mysterious figure took a moment to shake hands and sign a few autographs before heading outside to his car.

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