Gump Penetrates

December 18, 2014 Leave a comment Go to comments
By Gump Tibbs

By Gump Tibbs

It’s time for another penetrating interview with Gump Tibbs. Today, Gump interviews cuisine columnist Brian Schropp.

GT:  So, Bri, you have that little column in the paper where you write about foods?

BS: Indeed I do!! I’m trying to get out and review as many places as possible but certain circumstances make it hard. I’ve been told by certain family members that I’m a “nightmare behind the wheel”, so I stopped trying to get a regular license. I do have a “Lankville Semi-Provisional Scooter License” but my scooter keeps getting stolen by neighborhood ne’er-do-wells (or sometimes super squirrels). My good friend Trucker Joe gives me a lift here and there if he isn’t “big riggin'” down the Interstates. I’m trying to review all the hot spots readers might not of heard about yet. Well, either brand new popular spots or places that have some sort of breakfast sandwich or nacho cheese or canned meat option. Well, now that I think about it maybe not so much new and popular places, just places with the other stuff.

GT: Absolutely fascinating! Do you eat all kinds of foods?

Brian Schropp

Brian Schropp: “I Eat What I Personally Call “The New Suburban Soul Food”.

BS: I eat what I personally call the “new suburban soul food.” In particular, breakfast sandwiches and all their endless delightful possibilities. Something about eating them brings peace to my otherwise “raging, explosively-unbalanced soul”.

GT: How many foods [sic] groups are there?

BS: So many!! In the breakfast sandwich biscuit group alone you have many sub-groups. Tender (my personal favorite), frozen, fresh frozen, organic, high-rising, low-rising, International and then some of those sub-groups have their own sub-groups. Trying to wrap your head around them all can be as challenging as high school algebra (or so I hear– I graduated by completing business math). I guess that’s why you have food critics like myself, to help make sense of it all.

GT: You always say “Happy Eating” at the end of your articles. Do you think there are people who are unhappy?

BS: I think we all sit in our “basement apartments” and cry wearing only our boxer shorts sometimes.

GT: Do you think these unhappy people would be happier if they were eating? And why?

BS: I truly believe Gump that people who eat what I call “new suburban soul food” can lift their minds and spirits out of the dark places. Some people need to worship gods or use charms and crystals, you know all that new-agey type of stuff. But are they really fulfilled? Are they really one with the cosmos? I’ve achieved that and more just on nacho cheese alone.

GT: Really terrific. You have a lot of exciting adventures. Do you want to go fire some guns into the woods?

BS: Can we shoot them off in the woods behind Hank Cameron’s (Manager of Foodville) house? He gets really freaked out when myself and members of the BSU (Breakfast Sandwich Underground) blow stuff up back there.

(The two men suddenly darted off and the interview was ended prematurely).

  1. Heather
    December 18, 2014 at 2:06 pm

    Recently I’ve been thinking more and more about switching to a Suburban Soul Food diet. What kind of breakfast sandwich can you recommend to go with my morning Fresca?

    • Brian Schropp
      December 18, 2014 at 5:51 pm

      I would recommend maybe a low rising breakfast sandwich with a nice fancy cheese to go with your fancy Fresca. Remember breakfast sandwiches are for all classes and diet types. So if you are rich and fat you can find something to suit your needs.

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