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Ask Catrin

February 10, 2015 Leave a comment Go to comments
Catrin Lloyd-Bollard answers all your questions.

Catrin Lloyd-Bollard answers all your questions.

Catrin Lloyd-Bollard is an expert at answering questions.

Dear Ms. Catrin,

I have been married for a year and believe me, I really like my husband but he has one habit which really infuriates me.

No matter what I fix for him, he drowns it in ketchup. Eggs, cereal, candy, plate-sized shaved meats, it doesn’t matter.

I work so hard on my seasoning abilities and it’s all just a depressing waste of time when he gets through pouring ketchup all over it.

Can all this ketchup harm him? Will I harm him one day (I fear that, in my fury, I will murder him soon). What can I do?

LINDSAY
East Lankville Bay

Dear Lindsay,

Murder is usually an effective solution.

Confidently yours,
Ms. Catrin

——-

Dear Ms. Catrin,

There’s this sexy guy I know. Man, has he got it all going on. You should see him in pants. How can I let him know how I feel?

ALEX
Great Northern Mountain Area

Dear Alex,

Balloons are always nice.

With anticipation,
Ms. Catrin

———————————–
Dear Ms. Catrin,

At my high school, they serve very poor quality lunches. They don’t even clean the trays or the silverware or appear to run them under water. The hallways leading to the cafeteria are covered with lichens that seem to grow larger each day. There are gigantic pod-like vessels everywhere. Strange announcements are made daily. There is a chalkboard where they have a running “countdown” that they have never explained. What is going on?

SCARED IN LANKVILLE CAPITAL

Dear Scared,

Have you thought of bringing your own brown bag lunch to school? I used to prepare myself a modest ham sandwich everyday, and a little packet of hot chips. Smooth the brown bag down in front of you on the cafeteria room table and use it as a plate. If you decide to pack yourself hot chips as I did, you can eat them right out of the packet.

Now to answer your question, “What is going on?”:

Not much! What’s going on with you?

Yours affectionately,
Ms. Catrin

————————————-
Dear Ms. Catrin,

My son was jumping up and down on his bed and the bed broke down and the floor completely fell through. Now, every time I vacuum his room, I fall through the floor. What should I do?

Wendy
Lankville Partial-Ice Regions

Dear Wendy,

This reminds me of the time one of my bed slats snapped in half while practicing wrestling moves with my neighbor. “We are going to break the bed!,” I exclaimed in a shriek of laughter as my neighbor flipped me over and Atomic Dropped me onto the mattress. Sure enough, the bed broke.

Come to think of it, I still have yet to vacuum up the wooden shards. Bed still works fine, though. It was just a single slat.

With kind regards,
Ms. Catrin

———————————-
Dear Ms. Catrin,

I think I have already ruined my life. I stay up late, eat tons and tons of junk food and read nothing but terrorist attack novels.

I’m known as the one in the family that drinks an entire six-pack of soda in one sitting and eats can after can after can of tuna fish. Everyone is so worried about me that they are often moved to tears.

I’m writing this letter on a boat, by the way.

LOUISE
Boat

Dear Louise,

First, spread six ham slices with mustard. Next, peel six bananas, and roll each in a ham slice. Then, brush banana tips with butter–lovingly. Top with cheese sauce and, finally, bake 15 to 20 minutes.

Forever yours,
Ms. Catrin

——————–

Dear Ms. Catrin,

I have been dating the same guy for about a year. We get along well, laugh a lot, have the same personal outlook, believe in hell, etc. He says I’m his best friend.

The problem? I’m not his body type. I’m a petite blonde. He prefers chunkier women with short brown hair who wear jeans. He says if there was one thing he could change about me it would be for me to gain a lot of weight, dye my hair and wear some jeans.

What should I do?

BEATRICE
High Hill Southwestern Lankville Sands

Dear Beatrice,

Girl, you gotta get yourself over to the Downtown Lankville Two Bowl Spa and Salon. Pamper yourself with a bowl cut and a bucket-bowl of melted cheese. Those darling beauticians will ladle that cheese right into your mouth hole until your jean buttons burst (do go buy some jeans) — all the while treating your now-golden locks to the standard Lankville brown-bowl-cut-‘n-dye.

You’ll be looking like the tubby nine year old boy your man really wants to date in no time!

You’re welcome,
Ms. Catrin

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