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UPDATE- My Talk with a Bumpkin Specialist

February 25, 2015 Leave a comment Go to comments
By Brian Schropp

By Brian Schropp


Dr. Carl Woodard is the leading specialist in all things bumpkin. Following the shocking revelation of my last article, my folks wasted no time in setting up an appointment. Blood work and all sorts of crazy “pre-testing” needed to be done (I had to run on a treadmill hooked up to a bunch of machines and sleep upside down in a deperivation tank the other night) but it all should shed light on this matter. A few days later we sat down with Dr. Woodard in his office.

“Amazing!!” He exclaimed looking through the results. “Simply stunning!”

“Just give it to me straight Doctor, does my son have Bumpkin DNA?” My father gripped my mom’s hand tightly.

Dr. Carl Woodard, Bumpkin Specialist

Dr. Carl Woodard, Bumpkin Specialist

“Yes—–and no.” Dr. Woodard could see the confusion in our eyes. “But first a little background before I explain the results.”

I groaned. I figured on this being a long history and I was getting kind of hungry.

“It was long believed that humans and bumpkins couldn’t mate. Sure there were times, much like you stated Mr, Schropp, that maybe distant family relations have had “pleasure” or as your son might better understand it, “doing the nasty” with them. You see, being two different species, mating is almost an impossibility, we have never found that genetic link between humans and bumpkins. But these findings show we have something wrong.”

“So my family bloodline is somehow tainted with bumpkin?” My Dad put his face in his hand and sobbed.

“That’s the funny thing Mr. Schropp, the blood work from all your other immediate family and relatives show no signs of any Bumpkin DNA. Even the Schropp Hill People that we captured in traps to test show no signs either.”

My Mom chimed in. “So it’s only my son then? I always knew something wasn’t right.”

“Well that’s another funny thing, your son has neither Bumpkin or Human DNA. He has the perfect blend of both DNA almost like an entirely new species in itself.” He let that sink in for a moment.

“So, what is my son?”

“You could say that either your son is a highly advanced bumpkin or a slightly lower-evolved human.” He turned and looked directly at me. “You know how to read and write at some basic level, correct?”

I nodded.


A stunned Dr. Woodard ponders this development.

A stunned Dr. Woodard ponders this development.

My mom at this point kept muttering under her breath, “I knew there was something wrong. I knew there was something wrong.”

“I really wish I could explain how something like this could happen. My only working theory is that the genetic makeup of a bumpkin is so alien to us that it somehow evolves with humans at a slower rate and in ways we don’t understand. Maybe your son is just a result of that.”

My dad voiced concern over how I might be treated when the public finds out.

“I have spoken with President Pondicherry personally and we have both agreed to put your son on the “Lankville Endangered Species” list so none harm can come. And since technically he does have part Human DNA he will retain Lankville citizenship and full rights.”

It was now my turn for a few questions. “Could this explain my “advance taste profile” and also my “sweet and tender” nature?”

“Well, it’s a fact that bumpkins are less-evolved than us and by our standards not very bright. But we have found them to be very empathic and caring much like the way a common house dog will respond to human affection. The story you told me over the phone about the bumpkin in the alleyway at Christmas time, maybe that one could “sense” that you were somehow at least part bumpkin and that’s why it came up to you. Bumpkins also seem to possess a different sense of taste than us. They have a particular fondness for tree bark and car coolant for example. We have always thought of this as being somehow inferior to our own but I suppose it could seen as an “advanced taste pallet”, as you suggest.”

I also asked if Hank Cameron, Manager of Foodville, could be arrested for trying to harm me since I was now an endangered species. Dr. Woodard is not a lawyer but said Hank Cameron would probably have to do something now since I was just being put on the list. My mom then told be to be quiet and not ask foolish questions.

Much more talking was done between my folks and Dr. Woodard but I tuned them out. I started to think about where we might go for lunch since it was quickly becoming that time. I was hoping to get my folks to take me somewhere they would usually say no to like “Wally’s Chilli Cheese Fries On Waffles” (a pretty straightforward name for a delicious place). Then I started to think about the news I was told and how it might impact me. No matter what I am- bumpkin or human or both, my love for breakfast sandwiches and writing about cuisine is what matters, so dear readers I will carry on with these goals. Until next time please keep your mind and mouth open to new ideas!!

Happy eating!!!

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