Royer’s Madcap Experiences: I Will Box You

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Royer’s Madcap Experiences: I Will Box You

February 25, 2015 Leave a comment Go to comments

By Ric Royer

One day, I walked into a gym in a lower-class Island neighborhood. I walked right up to the ring and smashed a bottle of orange soda into the canvas. The boxers looked up.

“I will box you,” I said. The orange soda seeped towards their shoes.

“Get in here, you fuckin’ frog,” said the boxer. His manager, clad in protective gear, backed away.

I was wearing a bathrobe, some camoflauge short pants and a pair of penny loafers into which I had shoved quarters for effect.

“Hey, better get the frog some trunks, maybe some shoes,” called the manager, now outside the ring, relieving himself of his protective burden.

They brought me some proper gear and a small group of Islanders gathered around the ring. The manager rang the bell. Within three seconds I was hit by an uppercut and collapsed into the ropes. I recall a short burst of cheering and then nothing.

Hours later, I was in an outdoor chaise-lounge by a pond. I had a terrific headache.

“That’s what you get for egging on that Island boxer,” said a little man, who sat off among the reeds. He was clad in ancient, unfashionable clothes and wore small grandma glasses. Clouds approached from the east.

“After the fight, well, I don’t know if I can call it that– after your destruction, the Islanders strapped you to a chair and marched you around the pizza block. That’s where they have all those pizza restaurants. They took you in and out of some of the restaurants. They bought a pizza and shoved a lot of it in your hair. I tried my best to get the sauce out but you really should have a shower.”

The little man handed me a glass of iced tea. I took a sip. It was awful.

“Yes, that is awful iced tea,” he agreed. “It’s pond iced tea. This pond is all iced tea.”

“I’ve never…”

“No, it’s completely unique in the world. You would not have.”

We watched the sun go down together.

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