Gump Penetrates

Gump Tibbs

Gump Tibbs

It’s time for another penetrating interview with Gump Tibbs. Today, Gump interviews Scott, Pizza-A-Round manager and author of the bestselling “The Pizza Trade”.

GUMP: So, Scott, you have that little area in the paper where they talked about your new book?

S: Yeah man, that goofy employee of mine who writes about food and all that shit is helping me get the word out. He put out his own book recently which was a hit. I thought if someone that awkward with so little real life experience can make it work so could I. Three honest to fuckin’ God true stories, ‘The Trade’,’The Love’,and ‘The Passion’. Aren’t those titles like some damn poetry or somethin’?

GUMP: What a wonderful thing! Do you often write books?

S: Not so much writing, I just talk about my life and the business while Bri records it on one of those micro tape things. He then goes home and writes it all up on some fuckin’ computer program. Me, I ain’t got time to write it all down and shit. Bri really doesn’t mind doing the work and really loves it when I talk about the old days of the pizza trade. I think he likes to live through me in the stories. Sorta like how a poodle sees an alpha male wolf and thinks ‘shit man, I really want to be like that.’

GUMP: Such a pleasure! Is it hard to write books?

S: No way man, once the drink starts flowing and I’m in the backseat of my Neptune with some sweet trailer honey, everything I’m going to tell Bri the next day just sorta comes to me. It also helps smoking a few joints and having 103.5 ‘The Hammer’ cranked up. What a kick ass station, best damn bands.

My manager Scott relaxing at home.

Scott relaxing at home.

GUMP: What a delight! What is it like running a pharmacy? And why?

S: What the fuck are you talking about?

GUMP: Oh, my! Do you think your book will make people like pizza more?

S: I say it in the book and it’s so goddamn true, it’s a very rough business to be in. Most people have no clue what goes on and would probably shit themselves if they had to be in my shoes. I only hope my book shows how true I am to the business and that if you are going to order from the ‘Pizza-A-Round’ you will be getting a halfway decent pie.

GUMP: How exciting! If a customer dropped his pizza on the floor, would you give him another?

S: Depends if the dude has any more money. Ain’t got time for tears or refunds.

GUMP: Have you ever been mad and punched a pizza?

S: I’ve punched many faces but never a pizza. A pizza is a very sacred thing. I once had some joker work for me who thought he was the shit. Anyway, he lost his cool during a dinner rush and I could tell by the look in his eyes that he was thinking about punching a pizza he was making. Choked the motherfucker out before it got that far.

GUMP: Sensational! I’m going to fire some guns into a hill. Want to join me?

S: You gotta do what floats your fuckin’ boat. I got a hot one and a bottle of whiskey waiting for me in the back of my car. See ya’ around!

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