Home > Opinions > Lankville Daily News Readers Speak Out!

Lankville Daily News Readers Speak Out!

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By Bill Hogg, Grocery Store Clerk

There’s nothing I like better than to climb into that big ol’ piece of Lankville iron I got parked out front and drive through the streets without stopping. Once, I was able to make it all the way downtown, blowing every red light, without getting caught. People look at that old car and they say, “Why, Bill, that’s a piece of shit.” And I pull my cap down and say, “Nope. There’s power to spare under that big baby’s hood.” And they walk away then.

The Lankville Daily News is the sort of thing you can read while driving. It’s also good for that time before twilight when you’re having six or seven beers in the weedy area behind the convenience store. I even showed it to the little pervert who comes into the store and kneels behind the watermelons. “Hey man, your nuts are as big as these watermelons,” he would say, senselessly. But after I showed him the Lankville Daily News on a company laptop, he quieted down and I found him a little stool and it calmed him for a good hour or two.

Then, there’s that fat lady who fashioned a hook under her skirt and we caught her taking out a couple of hams. The manager wanted to arrest her but I talked him out of it. “Go set her down in the corner and show her this blog,” I said, pressing the laptop into his hand. I believe it did teach her something.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a thing about smoking cigarettes on a toothpick.

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