Home > Lankville Action News: YES! > Clown Hamburgers: Part II

Clown Hamburgers: Part II

October 20, 2015 Leave a comment Go to comments

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By Brian Schropp

By Brian Schropp

Yes, I know how many of you are anxiously awaiting the second installment of ‘Clown Hamburgers’. It’s a tale that would blow the minds of anyone with just the slightest interest in hamburgers, demonic psychic clowns, possessions, gun battles, giant grease fires, the deep metaphysical secrets of ‘Highway 71’, and so much more. The gut- wrenching horror of how I endured the ‘Six Foot Special’ (actually it was a double so it was more like a ‘Twelve Foot Special’) with extra bacon and cheese. How it looked, tasted, how it felt rumbling through me, the subsequent visions I had. Even in victory over the soul/artery-clogging special, the sickest most twisted man I have ever encountered, Mack Milford, going back on his word and not giving up the knowledge Scott needed to find Lizzie Starlight. What Scott’s sister did to get someone so sinister and just downright evil to get that information. The blowing up of the restaurant causing true Hell to be unleashed. An article truly of epic proportions, one that would, hands down, have been the finest piece of cuisine writing/journalism ever seen in the pages of the Daily News. But alas, something more pressing, something far greater has impacted me in the past few days, torn my mind into a thousand tiny pieces, making everything before seem like a jumbled mess on the cutting room floor of my mind. You have one man to ‘thank’ for all this my dear readers and that person is interim manager of the ‘Pizza A-Round’, Davis ‘Bud’ Huggins.

​Davis 'Bud' Huggins

​Davis ‘Bud’ Huggins

I’m just going to say this outright- does this man have any idea how a pizza place is run in Deep Northern Suburban Lankville? The answer is of course an astounding NO!! Sure, he may be a successful ‘no nonsense’ pizza manager from the Southern Plains Area, good for him. Did he ever think that maybe our area is a special somewhat unique place which might differ from the drab tastes of the Plains area where all they want are basic simple pizzas? The place which I hold dear in my heart is in a state of chaos. This is the pizza nadir, friends, the pizza nadir.

Fixtures of the establishment who made the place run like Charlie ‘The Nugget Guy’ and ‘Big’ James are now gone. Fired in fact because ‘we need people who can work all stations not just one item.” I will be the first admit that ‘Big’ James wasn’t the most hygienic employee nor the nacho cheese station in any shape for passing the simplest health code standards but if you don’t have a specialist in something how can you be giving the best product possible?

Chet Cameron, ‘the master of the prep line’– I was not his biggest fan yet I knew what he brought to the excellence of ‘The Round’. Huggins kept insulting Chet on his handling of toppings (especially the green peppers) which drove Chet to the breaking point. He got up in the interim manager’s face causing a fierce shouting match. ‘The Bud’ picked him up in a bear hug and threw poor Chet right out into the street telling him never to come back. I’m not a fan of Hank Cameron, who is Chet’s uncle and manager of ‘Foodville’, but if he has any sway or power in local Lankville politics he might call in some favors to have Mr. Huggins forcibly removed from our Suburban area- that would be great!!

Chet Cameron, one of the greats, now gone.

Chet Cameron, one of the greats, now gone.

Some of the other mind numbing ideas, getting rid of hot menu items like ‘The Pizza Eggwich’ and ‘The Mid-Morning Snack Pizza’. Yes I know those were two of my own ideas-I don’t take it personally- OK, maybe slightly, I just can’t stand it when people don’t recognize genius. And this goofball is far from a genius. We had a ‘back to basics’ weekend where all we served was pepperoni, sausage and cheese pizza. Who the hell just wants that boring stuff? People around here want a little nacho cheese on top. Oh. what’s that? Right, we don’t have a nacho cheese specialist to put that on anymore!!! Sales were miserable and this guy had the nerve to continue to blame us!!! Oh I must not forget the fact that he has decided to move up our opening time to 10:30 instead of 8. Doesn’t this clod realize we make money off the ‘lonely high schoolers’ who want to stuff a pizza (maybe even a $19.95 Mid-Morning Snack Pizza) in their face before first period? The phones were ringing off the hook the past few mornings and he wouldn’t let us answer them!! Yet another money earning demographic for us, the confused older folks coming in looking for the dialysis center next door– we now have to treat them with ‘kindness and respect’. How can we get as much as possible out of them without adding a little threatening tone to our voice? All they want now is a glass of water.

And please don’t get me started on that huge green chair he brought in for Brock Belvedere’s mother which everyone keeps tripping over. It takes up so much space in the dining area!!

Now for the biggest insult to me– my once highly prestigious role of being in charge of the cleaning team with even my own ‘managerial sink’ now reduced to cleaning cracks in the front sidewalk with a toothbrush and walking up and down Fairland Rd (which is very DANGEROUS by the way) with a ‘pizza billboard’ around me. No matter how many people drive by insulting me or throwing things in my direction I must smile and wave (With ‘The Bud’ checking up on me and yelling at me if I have the slightest hint of a frown).

I could go on and on but now I am overwhelmed again just thinking about all this. I’m sitting in my basement apartment at home trying to get myself together with a tall glass of strawberry milk and a plate of breakfast sandwiches. How much longer my readers, how much more can I take of this? it’s almost been a week—

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