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Lankville Birds Have Learned to Use Fire

February 10, 2016 Leave a comment Go to comments
By Kimball J. Cranney

By Kimball J. Cranney


A scientific conference heard evidence today that Lankville birds have learned to use fire, sources are reporting.

“The birds pick up smoldering sticks or fire clubs and drop them in unburnt territory,” said ornithologist Graham Pipettes of the Southern Lankville Harder University. “Although the behavior has not been photographed, the accounts are reliable and confirmed,” Pipettes added.

Pipettes and his colleagues recently completed a survey of over 1,000 first-hand accounts of the activity.

“A great number were from bumpkins but we also have many reports from park rangers and those people charged with conducting early dry season burns to prevent the build-up of flammable material.”

The future of Lankville?

The future of Lankville?

“Also, Brock Belvedere,” Pipettes added after a mysterious pause.

The activity makes evolutionary sense, Pipettes told Household Parakeet Magazine (Lankville’s only bird-based periodical), because fires provides birds with a major food source. “Reptiles, frogs, insects and squirrels rush away from the fire, and then the birds just wait in front, right at the foot of the fire, waiting to catch them. It’s like shooting fish in a barrel,” Pipettes said. “Small fires often attract so many birds that there’s not even enough prey, so a bird that was being beaten to its lunch might benefit from starting its own new fire away from all the other prior fires.”

Pipettes giggled nervously and the interview was ended prematurely.

Many in the political community are doubtful of the conference’s findings. President Pondicherry took to social media to express his views on the subject.

“If I pick up a stick that’s on fire and drop it in the woods, the woods will not catch on fire,” said the President. “And I love birds.”

A press conference is expected later today.

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