Scott Answers Your Pizza Questions

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Scott Answers Your Pizza Questions

June 1, 2016 Leave a comment Go to comments

By Scott, Manager of the Pizza A-Round

What happens if a person who orders for pizza delivery takes the pizza and refuses to pay?
Lance Speaker
Lankville Pine Basin

Dear Lance,

First off, Lance, nobody has ever “taken” a pizza from me and refused to pay. The pizza remains firmly wedged between my left hand (my delivery hand) and my left flank until the dollars have been counted out to MY satisfaction. Nobody touches a Round pizza until that transaction is complete.

I’ve heard it said that some pizzerias will simply take the pizza back to the restaurant. At worst, they might make a notation in their computer system– mark the deadbeat as a “non-payer”, something like that.

But that ain’t not how we do it at the Round.

Secondly, you pull that shit with us, and that’ll be the last pizza you ever order in the Northern Suburbs. And I don’t just mean from the Round. I mean from anybody. I’ll personally see to that. Go ahead, Lance. Try me.

SCOTT

Is it ethical to order a delivery pizza when it’s raining?
Buck Igloos
Snowy Lake Area

Dear Buck,

You ever hear about that little creed that the Lankville post offices have got? The one about delivering in the rain, sleet and snow?

Well, the Round goes one better. We’ve delivered in rain, sleet and snow, sure. But we’ve also delivered in tornadoes, dust storms, super squirrel infestations, trash blows and even hurricanes.

Frankly, I don’t know where the hell these questions are even coming from.

SCOTT

Why don’t more pizza places offer stuffed crust pizza?
Billy Choppy
Lankville Outlands

Dear Billy,

Now here’s something that I got an opinion on after 20 years in the business.

Look, stuffed crust seems like a breathtaking advancement, I know. But the thing is- it ruins the crust. I view the crust as the oasis of a pizza, if you will. It’s a little break after all that cheese and sauce. It mixes it up. Now, you put sauce and cheese inside the crust and what do you have? You got overkill, that’s what.

Plus, it’s a grade-A pain in the ass to make. My guys at the Round ain’t no good at it– they don’t have the spatial thinking skills that are required. Very few do. I do but that’s rare, man. As rare as a shimmering diamond popping out of the ass of some deep cave. Stuffed crust don’t pay the bills, man.

SCOTT

Scott will continue to answer your pizza questions in further issues.

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FIND YOUR FAVORITE COLUMNS!

CURIOUS LETTERS

Gentlemen,

My name is Fletcher M. Gregory, Jr. and I am 85 years old. I have long been an admirer of your Fluffy Marshes-Mallows; indeed, my man-servant Mr. Swift and I enjoy it atop our sundaes three or four days per week! However, as time has passed, I have noticed that your product becomes more and more difficult to locate in the grocery center and that other, obviously inferior products are now being allotted primer space. Now, this could be the work of the disgraceful he-she that manages my local grocery center (IT'S name is "Steve") but I have had other associates who have expressed similar concerns.

Therefore, I was hoping you could provide me with information on how you intend to rectify this matter as I am fearful that your fine product will eventually disappear forever from the shelves of my local grocery center-cum Sodom.

Yours faithfully,
Fletcher M. Gregory, Lankville

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