Home > Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr. > Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.

Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.

By Dick Oakes, Jr.

By Dick Oakes, Jr.

It was morning. There was a massive clock radio on the bureau (it glowed a sickly green color at night) that read: 8:07. There was something about that time.

C’mon Oakes. What the hell is today?

There was a little leather bound notebook in the side table. It was mostly just pillow counts and there was a little chart about different qualities of firmness that I couldn’t seem to commit to memory. I flipped to the front where there was a calendar.

It’s another birthday, Oakes. 8:07: The time of your birth.

I counted off the years and realized I was 58.

I picked up the service phone. Tibbs was there instantly, as though he were waiting. There was some sort of strange slow bubbly electronic noise behind him. I couldn’t figure on any of it.

“GOOD MORNING MR. OAKES! WHAT A LOVELY SUMMER DAY IT IS TODAY! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”

“Yeah, listen Tibbs. Send up a case of FUN BEER and maybe a bottle of gin, whatever’s cheapest.”

“OOOH, MR. OAKES! IT SOUNDS AS THOUGH YOU’RE PLANNING A PARTY!!!” He started laughing so hard I thought he had dropped the phone for a minute.

“It’s my birthday, Tibbs”. I instantly regretted the announcement.

“WHAT AN OCCASION, MR. OAKES! WHAT A DELIGHT! AN ABSOLUTE DELIGHT!”

Tibbs, Sr.

Tibbs, Sr.

He was gone from the phone for a few seconds and when he came back, he blew one of those plastic party horns in my ear.

“THIS IS SOMETHING TO CELEBRATE, MR. OAKES! LET ME CALL ALL THE ROOMS!”

“No, no, no,” I stopped him. “Listen, Tibbs, I just want to…I want to stay here and just drink and…maybe you could roll a teevee in or something.”

“WHY, I WOULD BE DELIGHTED TO ROLL IN A TEEVEE!” he said. “I WILL EVEN MAKE SURE THAT YOU GET OUR COLOR SET, MR. OAKES!!!”

He was suddenly quiet.

“Even if I have to kill Ms. Stocksdale to get it.”

“Listen, Tibbs, take it easy. Just, just bring me whatever you got. Let’s…leave Ms. Stocksdale alone, alright.”

“OF COURSE, OF COURSE, OF COURSE, OF COURSE, MR. OATES. WHATEVER YOU WOULD LIKE! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! WHAT AN ABSOLUTE, OUTRIGHT DELIGHT TODAY IS!!!”

“Alright, listen, connect me with an outside line.”

I called the towels by the pound shop. I let it ring about 15 times. Finally, the crazy old broad answered.

“Listen, I ain’t feeling too good today,” I said. “Musta’ been them shrimps from last night.”

“We’ll get along,” she said. I could hear a lighter going, another cigarette. She smoked them like they were going out of style.

“Alright, then. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Dick…?”  I paused a second. I could hear her exhaling.

“Happy Birthday, Dick,” she said.

God damn, she’s a sweetheart, Oakes. Too bad she’s so fat, there just ain’t no desire there.

“Thanks. I’ll…I’ll see you tomorrow.”

 

I don’t know what it was, but I broke down then. Just started crying lightly. There wasn’t nobody that had wished me an unsolicited Happy Birthday in years.

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