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Greetings from Pineapple Island

By Brian Schropp

By Brian Schropp

Brian Schropp is not to be confused with Lankville Daily News columnist Brian Schropp or UFOlogist Brian Schropp or ‘The Power of Tolerable’ Brian Schropp or the Brian Schropp who was trying to sell those berries.

Is it such an easy life living on one of the many Lankville Islands? Folks from the ‘main land’ have dreamed of island life as living on the beach all day, chopping up pineapples to put in a delightful fruit salad and receiving deep relaxing massages from beautiful island women in coconut bras and grass skirts. Well, actually it is all those things, who the fuck am I kidding, I live a great life.

I was abandoned as a baby on this isle, left in a giant pineapple shell for the natives to find and raise as one of their own. Now, some of you might find it wrong that from an early age I learned to manipulate these folks into thinking I was some sort of God. To wait on me hand and foot with any silly whim I may have. I see it as turning a possible dreadful situation created by neglectful parents into the finest glass of lemonade one could have. However, as of late I have found my perfect island life being disrupted by various other Brian Schropps and the chaotic beings who follow them.

The first Brian Schropp came floating in on a raft earlier this year. He must have been on that wooden makeshift monstrosity for many a month because the poor soul was out of his mind. He babbled a fantastical yarn of pizza cults, oceans made of pizza sauce, and of reality being nothing but a giant pizza oven. His tale was so crazy that it sent the natives running to their huts in fear. After giving this crazed mound of flab a few glasses of pineapple juice (he whined for strawberry milk which I didn’t have) I was able to have a more ‘normal’ conversation with the lad. He was trying to visit each and every island (which is an impossibility) to learn the true origins of pizza sauce. I told him we really didn’t enjoy ‘pizza’ per say– instead we make a pizza dough crust with nothing added expect pineapple on top. He was instantly taken aback by this and frankly became quite a bit rude about the fact we didn’t enjoy the more traditional pizza fare. Well, needless to say, I had to send him off on his raft quite quickly. If word had gotten around to the tribe that he insulted our great pineapple flatbread, he wouldn’t be living for long!!

There was another Brian Schropp who showed up on the island not long ago (not sure how he got here, my people just found him wandering in the rain forest). This one was looking to take any sort of fruit or plant life back to the mainland to sell as a sort of fake ‘cure all’ to the desperate. I didn’t like this one from the get go and had two of my finest warriors, Samu and Tonga, take this wretched soul over to our only Lankville Postal Office on the island and ship him back in a box. Now, I here there is mention of him telling folks he had chanced on some ‘magic berries’ off this island. I can assure you this is completely and utterly false. If this mountebank should ever come even close to my island again, I will send my warriors out in their war canoes and strike down the fiend with spears.

Dr. Nickelbee- the LAST person I wanted to see.

The chaotic Dr. Nickelbee creature.

I have to say the worst of the worst was one of these ‘chaotic beings’ I mentioned earlier. This one came looking for the first Brian Schropp not long after I sent him packing. And much like that one this monster came floating in on a poorly built raft. Once near shore he rolled off his raft and like a fool tried running to shore (with waves constantly knocking him down) yelling my name. Once here, my warriors had to hold the loon back as he tried to hug me.

I told him I had no clue who he was and that sent him into a tailspin. Thrashing to and fro in the powerful grip of my warriors with his face turning an unnatural shade of red, this yob called me a lair and then attempted to spit in my face. Well, that was the worst thing he could have done; I will not stand for such behavior. Once he recovered from his tremendous beat down, I was able to get more sense out of him. Turns out his name was Dr. Nickelbee and he is some sort of therapist for this other Brian Schropp. He mumbled an ungrateful apology for trying to hug me in a case of mistaken identity. I let it go, I can see how after many months on a raft he might mistake me for this other, we have a few vague similar features.

Our short civilized conversation soon turned South again after I told him the story of ‘Pizza Sauce’ Brian Schropp and how I sent him away.


Thus started yet another yelling tirade worse than the other which ended with this ‘Doctor’ trying to spit on me again and then wetting himself. It took both Samu and Tonga to strap this demon from the mainland down to his raft and send him back out to the ocean. I hear tales from other islands that at night, once the quiet sets in, you can hear this Dr. Nickelbee screaming somewhere out in the ocean. Who knows if this is really true? All I can say is if this one tries to enter my waters again much like the ‘Berries’ Brian Schropp, he will be met with war canoes and spears.

Until next time with another story from Pineapple Town, keep your thoughts open to all the possibilities of pineapple. Warm regards- Brian

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