Home > Cuisine by Brian Schropp > Scott Answers Your Pizza Questions

Scott Answers Your Pizza Questions

By Scott, Manager of the Pizza A-Round

By Scott, Manager of the Pizza A-Round

Scott is the manager of the Pizza A’Round.

How can I make a quality pizza at home?
Dr. Nickelbee
Deep Northern Suburbs

Dear Doc,

Listen, as a pizza professional, I sure as shit don’t recommend that. No matter what kind of oven you got at home, it just ain’t going to match the stainless steel motherfucker we got at the Round. Plus, the stuff you buy from the grocery store is garbage, man– second rate. Hell, third rate. I’d get that idea out of your head, Doc.

SCOTT

Where did pizza originate?
Carlton Zupo
Lankville Standard Sand Beach

Dear Carlton,

Good question. The history of pizza is very interesting. The word “pizza” shares its origins with the word “pita” and as we all know, the pita comes from Great Puddly Island. It’s about the only thing that place has produced worth a shit. I had a couple of Puddly Islanders working at the Round back in the day– man, those two wouldn’t have been able to find their own asses if they had sleigh bells tied to them. Anyway, in the late eighteenth century, the word “pizza” was a kind of pie, cooked in olive oil by the Puddly’s in a primitive brick or stone oven. It’s unclear exactly when the pizza migrated over to Lankville but it was probably something around 1900. That’s when you started to see little carts and kiosks pop up and then, ultimately, shops like the Round.

Now, I didn’t know any of this shit– my boy Bri researched your question on his Mom’s computer. You should see this thing man– it’s tan and has this screen that’s one of those huge alien head motherfuckers. Thing weighs like fifty pounds. It’s hysterical.

SCOTT

Is pizza bad for your health?
Leonard Kings
Snowy Lake Region

Dear Leonard,

Let me ask you something. You plan on living to be 100 and shit? You want to be one of those sad motherfuckers sitting in a bed in some nursing home? You want it to take twenty minutes for you to walk ten steps?

Life’s about taking risks, man. And there ain’t no more enjoyable risk than eating pizza. So, get up out of your baby crib, man. Grab life (and pizza) by the balls.

SCOTT

 

Scott will continue to answer your pizza questions in further issues.

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