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Funny Stories by Dick Oakes, Jr.

December 19, 2016 Leave a comment Go to comments
By Dick Oakes, Jr.

By Dick Oakes, Jr.

There was a chimney rock on a desert hill and I stood behind it, looking down at the gas station. It was midday. I had been on the run for three days.

It had been an hour and two cars had pulled in. The lot was empty now.

I skirted down the hill and, crouching, made my way slowly towards the back of the place. I questioned why I was crouching. If they see you, they see you, Oakes, and then it’s over but I kept at it anyway.

I made it to the rear– there was a dumpster there and an air hose that was leaking air. It made a sound like a rusty hinge. There was a sign above the hose that somebody had made up in hand-painted block letters. It said, “MERRY CHRISTMAS”. Who knew what the hell to make of it?

I waited there and after awhile, the attendant came around the side and went into the men’s room. That was my break.

I ran around to the front and into the office. There was a rack of chips there and I stuffed my pockets with the bags– they made a queer crinkling sound. Then, I checked behind the counter. There was about fifty bucks in a coffee can and I nicked that. On the counter was a newspaper and some kind of a swinger’s magazine– it was open to a section labeled “ESCORTS FOR PARTIES”. Oh Christ, to hell with it I thought and dumped them both into a plastic bag.

I wandered into the garage. A car was up on a lift. I found the mechanism and lowered it slowly. Still, it made a hell of a noise. Who knew if the damn thing would run?

It started. I backed it out and checked on the attendant. He was still in there. I slammed my foot on the gas and got the hell out of there.

When I stopped, it was night.  I didn’t recall the drive at all.  It was a fuck-all town that was somehow familiar. I parked in the lot of the “El Don Motel” and scanned the newspaper. There it was on page three. FOREIGN PERSON CONTINUES TO ELUDE POLICE the headline read. There was a quote in there from Tibbs, who had been arrested– Mr. Oates was a delightful man! An absolute delight of a man it said.  Who knew what the hell to make of it?

Further down, it said the agents had been killed.  I was sorry about that.  Fuckin’ Tibbs.  That fucker.

Better get out of sight, Oakes.  I thought it over, then I decided to splurge on a room.gas-station

The clerk was sleepy and didn’t pay me any attention– he gave me a place on the end.  It was carpeted in cactus green carpet and the bedspread had two cowboys printed on it.  One cowboy was dishing out some gruel to the other cowboy.  They both had big, shit-eating grins on their faces. There weren’t no merit to any of it.

I slept for awhile and then I woke up and read the newspaper story again.  I broke open several bags of chips but they were all stale.  The expiration date was two years past.  Then, bored, I started on the magazine.  The escorts all had little descriptions of themselves with a grainy, black-and-white picture beneath.  Beneath that was some kind of a testimonial.  Ken from Boot City says, “Katie is everything I was hoping for.  Her body is so smooth!  She knows a lot about art too!” 

As it grew later, I got a little more desperate.  Don’t do it, Oakes.  That’s king hill stupid.  But I picked up the phone anyway and dialed one of the numbers.

She answered.  For a minute, I almost hung up.

“I saw your advertisement in Considerable Seats,” I finally eked out.  “Can you come over?  I’m at the El Don.”

“It’s $200 for an hour,” she said.

My eyes suddenly ached.

“I’ve got a car.  I’ll give you my car.”  I wasn’t stopping at nothing.  Still, I couldn’t believe what I was doing.

“What kind of a car is it?”

“I don’t know, one of them big gold shitboxes.  It’s got an interior like red velvet.”

“That’s probably a Neptune Holiday.”



It took her about a half hour.  Somebody dropped her off.  That worried me.

“Where’s your friend going to wait?” I asked.

“He’s just a ride.  Don’t worry about him.  He listens to the radio all day.  That’s all there is to him.”

I looked her up and down.  She was built, no question about it.

“You have a title to that car?”

I couldn’t see any reason to lie.

“Nah, I stole it.”

She removed a gigantic pink pouch from her purse, drew a long cigarette out of it.

“I don’t want to get involved in anything like that.  I’ll…just go tell Kevin that it’s off.”

“You’re beautiful.”  I meant it.


She left.

I spent the rest of the night awake, staring at the picture window.

  1. oversion
    December 19, 2016 at 10:23 pm

    entertaining! And what a run of luck, Dick.

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