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The Heartbreak of Alcoholism


Gump Tibbs

Important Opinions

My name is Gump Tibbs and I am an alcoholic.

Twelve simple words that, when placed together in a sentence, constitute a most profound confession. A confession not only to yourself but a confession to the world.

I have driven into hedges, through fences and into hammocks. Sometimes, the hammocks had people in them. Sometimes, people eating lunch. I have drunkenly driven tractors down highways, drunkenly stolen lawn gnomes from private yards. I have run over trash cans and then dragged them for miles and miles– entirely unaware that sparks were flying all around me, metal against blacktop.

And then dawn comes and with it, a renewed sense of purpose– a commitment to the tenets of sobriety, of rosy-cheeked probity and of ethical decency. The feeling is short-lived. I begin a debate with myself about the idea of time. Time as merely a state of mind. “Civilization decrees that 5:25 AM is “too early for beer,” I have convinced myself. And I have decided to rebel against such conventional wisdom. Five hours later, I would find myself offending patrons at a tire shop or driving into a house on a suburban street. And yet I always dreamed of a society free of the bondage of alcoholic beverages. A society where the sun shines always.

Recent studies suggest that 71% of the adult population of Lankville are alcoholics. Most of The Lankville Daily News staff are alcoholics. Our President is not an alcoholic but that, of course, is simply a factor of him being asleep most of the time.

There are over a million alcoholic beverages produced in our country and several million more items available at hardware stores. What chance does the poor soul have in this bacchic buffet? What chance, I ask you?

Join a Temperance Society, Kingdom Hall or yacht club today. Help combat the heartbreak of alcoholism.

The opinions of Gump Tibbs are not the opinions of The Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.

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