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Area Racks Now Featuring Balloons

January 8, 2015 Leave a comment
By Bernie Keebler

By Bernie Keebler

LANKVILLE ACTION NEWS: YES!

Area racks are now featuring balloons, sources are confirming.

“Yes, we’re witnessing quite a preponderance of these “balloon racks” noted local analyst Gene Shelby, Jr., who made use of air quotation marks in his utterance. “You can find them generally at the end of long aisles or sometimes near restrooms. They come in variety packs– in other words, one can attain a diverse quantity of these “balloons” that, when “inflated” will reveal a manifold series of shapes, colors and sizes.” (Shelby utilized air quotation marks again).

The balloons are affixed to free-standing racks such as this one.

The balloons are affixed to free-standing racks such as this one.

“I’m pleased about it,” noted Lankville business magnate and former mall-dweller Ric Royer. “As most are aware, I have had a complex relationship with balloons in the past. Yet, I still welcome their appearance. We had several racks at the mall!” (Royer became very loud at the end of his last sentence before abruptly ending the interview).

Sources are conflicted as to who owns the racks.

“We are not exactly sure,” stated area grocery store employee Gary Sparklers. “I lock the door at night and open the door in the morning. Sometime during the night, they are restocked. It’s mysterious and confounding.”

Sparklers was suddenly shoved into a large display freezer which was then tipped over. He is currently recovering at a local hospital.

“Data indicates you’ll be seeing more of these “balloons”,” added Shelby, again utilizing air quotations for reasons unclear.

OPINION: Some Balloons Passed Really Close by My Face

November 24, 2014 Leave a comment
balloon man

By an Unfortunate Citizen

OPINION

I was sitting there. It was at a table in the basement. There was a plastic tablecloth. There was a bowl of chips but it was far away.

And then some balloons passed really close by my face.

I lurched backwards. I looked to my left and then to my right. Nothing. I moved back to the table.

I looked at the chips. I wanted some.

And then some balloons passed really close by my face.

I yelled out. There was a hallway that led upstairs. I heard a little noise there but then nothing. A light in the ceiling fixture buzzed and then flamed out. It grew darker.

And then some balloons passed really close by my face.

The door to the hallway suddenly closed. The chips were suddenly closer. There was that. I moved my eyes far to the left.

I am waiting.

The opinions of this man are not necessarily the opinions of the Lankville Daily News or any of its subsidiaries.

Area Racks Now Featuring Balloons

February 3, 2014 Leave a comment

By Bernie Keebler
Lankville Action News YES! Team

Bernie Keebler

Bernie Keebler

Area racks are now featuring balloons, sources are confirming.

“Yes, we’re witnessing quite a preponderance of these “balloon racks”,” noted local analyst Gene Shelby, Jr., who made use of  air quotation marks in his utterance. “You can find them generally at the end of long aisles or sometimes near restrooms. They come in variety packs– in other words, one can attain a diverse quantity of these “balloons” that, when “inflated” will reveal a manifold series of shapes, colors and sizes.” (Shelby utilized air quotation marks again).

The balloons are affixed to free-standing racks such as this one.

The balloons are affixed to free-standing racks such as this one.

“I’m pleased about it,” noted Lankville business magnate and former mall-dweller Ric Royer. “As most are aware, I have had a complex relationship with balloons in the past. Yet, I still welcome their appearance. We had several racks at the mall!” (Royer became very loud at the end of his last sentence before abruptly ending the interview).

Sources are conflicted as to who owns the racks.

“We are not exactly sure,” stated area grocery store employee Gary Sparklers.  “I lock the door at night and open the door in the morning.  Sometime during the night, they are restocked.  It’s mysterious and confounding.”

Sparklers was suddenly shoved into a large display freezer which was then tipped over.  He is currently recovering at a local hospital.

“Data indicates you’ll be seeing more of these “balloons”,” added Shelby, again utilizing air quotations for reasons unclear.

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